Ok Gather Around Children and let Uncle Idi tell you a story.
Now I see some excited faces here, sorry to dissapoint you but I'm not that kind of "Uncle" I won't wrestle with your mum and then buy you chocolate like "Uncle" Butt, Not will I have a special struggle cuddle with you like Uncle "Traf". Jerry, don't be sad. Smile, you have such a nice and creepy smile. I'm sure once I'm done talking "Uncle" Traf will come and play with you.
Alright, that's enough foreplay let's get to the point.
Now, Auntie D. Bitch has been on my case to clean things up around the house for some time she doesn't like it messy although I never understood quite why, I mean after all I married her because of how dirty she is :) (If you know what I mean...). And it never seems to bother her when she goes out with her friends, so I'm not sure why she picks on me... Must be love I guess... Though I just wish Love didn't hurt so much.
Src: Die B. and friend shopping.
How we met is actually a funny story. In that I don't remember much of that night other than waking up floating in saliva and this photo on my phone:
Src: Auntie D.B. and Uncle Idi. Love at first glance.
Later I found out that, that was actually a picture of DB's friend back when she was known as Take15. To this day, I'm still jealous of her husband. That man has some sexy sexy abs.
But Back to the point of the story. The house was falling apart, and my wife's lovely friend (who has slimmed down and is now about 1/3 her original size) decided to convince my wife I need to renovate the house. I don't know what the problem was, everything worked, we had all the modern amenities:
Stairs. |
Cooking implements. |
Outdoor Lights. |
Even a place to sit while watching the moving picture box. |
It's heaven, why anyone would want to change it I'll never know. All our neighbors are jealous of our stairs. Especially A Lucky Man, who lives across the road. It's because of him I had to install a brick as a sign on dominance. It was the brick I once threw through his window because he refuses to wear underwear while painting... in his front yard... at night... with floodlights... while I'm eating dinner... on my front step. I had to beat up his wife, Dj, and his daughter Anouk because I fucking hate tights, actually that's probably what started this feud in the first place... Nah, he's just a dick for being happy and smiling and helpful, what an arse.
I decided if I was going to invest in my house I'd make it bigger than lucky man's because I deserved to have a bigger one than his (remember the no pants thing... Yeah I checked it out so what?)
So up it went and all by by myself I worked on the house and built is high.
And umm... Yeah so that's the story of why I'm in the hospital. Remember children, Never drink so much you sleep with a 15, it may just ruin your life.
Luckily insurance will pay out, unfortunately Auntie Die decided to finish the renovations by paying someone to Schtup her... whatever that means. She sent me this photo so I think it's ok. I just wish she didn't paint it pink.
Ok, I gotta go back to the basement. See you tomorrow kids, Don't forget to save you puddings for me.
I would like to invite 
