Ladies/ Gentlemen/ Attack helicopters and other assorted military paraphernalia ,

We need to discuss proper etiquette (PE). It has come to my attention that there are some people out in steem land that don't quite understand simple etiquette, and so I have created this handy guide to assist those who might need a bit more educating.

Firstly Advice for ladies:

Now I know you know everything (wait does that mean that I know nothing or that I know you know but you already knew that and then I knew that you knew so maybe it's just...) but we can all admit that once in a while everyone needs advice, or at least agree that we all need a friendly in which we can whisper sweet nothings to:

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This brings us neatly to advices the first:

Reciprocation

Don't run away when it's your turn to show some appreciation. We all enjoy being given some appreciation from our partners, and it is only fair that reciprocation be allowed and encouraged. And while we're on the topic of reciprocating behaviors... Yes we all get excited at the prospect of getting attention from a new flavour of the month, please be considerate and at least try to control yourselves, no one enjoys the feeling of looking up at a waterfall when a yawn strikes.

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Self control

Yes, it's very impressive and not you shouldn't be stifled, as much as you want to not get a tonsil shower, neither do we. So yes, a little self control will go a long way. Think about fridge magnets, or that one time a pimply kid winked at you while holding his mum's hand in order to cross the road, anything really I'm sure there's a play book somewhere to help you out.

This takes us into our third and final of the advices:

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Appropriateness

Should the night finish sooner than anticipated, take it in your stride and look at the bright side: You now have more time to actually watch Netflix. There are a lot of good shows on there and many many so-so ones, shows that will no doubt satisfy you to the fullest extent and not have you screaming at the TV because they canned it prematurely.

Gentlemen

You're awesome, give yourselves a pat on the back, drink some beer and shave... tomorrow. But there are a couple of things we also need to work on...

Self control

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I know you believe yourselves to be masters of your own domain but despite what you may believe you do not have full control over the wind despite how cool the gif above is. As such, please move a safe distance away prior to attempting to air bend via the power of beans. Lifting one butt cheek away from the crows does not constitute a safe distance, please stand up and walk away, maybe spray some deodorant, trust me it will do wonders.

Technique

The worm is a move that should remain only for really cool* 90's hip hop videos and performed by white guys in track suits that squat in their spare time. Yes it can be in your arsenal of tricks for the night but you're gonna have to bring some variety to it. If you just worm all night long both her and you are liable to fall asleep and turn a memorable night into a forgetful one.

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Try to change up the rhythm, stand up and move to another location, try to wow her with your variety and new moves to squeeze ever last bit of joy from her, don't just give her the same old worm.

And this brings us to the last advice I have and it's probably the most important if you remember nothing else please remember this last tidbit

Warning!!

Yes it's the biggest because it's the most important. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS warn her. It's a fairly simple idea really, it's just plain nice.

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To just cream an run in ungentlemanly behaviour, if a lady is kind enough to allow you the pleasure of resolving yourself of pent up frustration in a 1 on 1 or 2 on 1 environment with safe words in place, the least you could do is warn her. It won't take much, we're not talking about bringing lawyers in to sign a waiver before you complete the deed, but a little heads up would be nice. Something more than a 1 second warning where your face turns from horny badger to a relieved rabbit.

So there you have it folks the six advice for a happy and weird mutually beneficial relationship. Don't forget to enjoy it, cos it's all downhill afterwards.

This has been my Entry into Comedy Open Mic Round 8, and if you didn't laugh there is something wrong with me.

I would like to nominate Hive account@rahul.stan to finally put in an entry. And I would also like get Hive account@bethwheatcraft, get in here and let's see some more of your magic humor again, please.