Tired of hearing crickets after you make a joke?
Either crush those crickets, or learn how to actually be funny.
As Comedy Open Mic (COM) grows, 
In this one-of-a-kind COM entry, 2 judges collaborate to bring you this educational/painfully unfunny post. We hope you enjoy/educate yourself.
So, here are some rules/guidelines on how to win COM:
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1. You All Suck
Wonder how many closed their tab already
Let's face it - if you were doing so well, you wouldn't be looking at a guideline.
Especially this guideline
Or even if you're doing well rep-wise, you still know in your very core that you suck.
(looking at you 
Poor idikuci
I get it, comedy is hard. I find it much easier to write dramatic posts than comical ones.
So, whatever joke you have to tell, remember: a line that you said amongst your friends doesn't necessarily make a funny steemit post.
Sure, your buddies laughed when a girl was screaming and you said, "must be that time of the month", but that doesn't make it a funny post.
Turns out she was being murdered
2. No Plagiarism
FOR FUCK'S SAKES, we all have Google.
Except those other search engine users
Are we supposed to believe that you time-traveled into the future and came up with the joke, two years after it was posted on Facebook?
If we want to see recycled posts, we'd all use Google.
And if we want lame ones, we'd go to 9GAG or Dmania.
9GAG? More like, the-memes-are-so-bad-I-gagged he he amirite folks he he
crickets chirp
In the age of Google and its reverse image search function, it takes less than a minute to find the source.
Did you really think the judges won't check for plagiarism?
It's Comedy Open Mic with a search for talented comedians, not the best scavenger hunter.
Say 'No' to CRTL+C CTRL+V
3. Don't Prolong It
Now long posts are encouraged to be made.
But, if you write the whole post so that you can do just one punch line in the end, you're -
a. overbuilding it; and
b. boring everyone.
Like what we're doing now
Make at least one joke per paragraph.
Q. What did 
A. SMT
Also, spacing out between sentences is like pumping your dick with air - sure it looks bigger and promising, but under pressure, the best to come out would be some sort of a fart.
Court's verdict: yesaye and amirtheawesome1 found guilty of violating Rule #3
4. Don't GIF and Comment
No one is better at doing 
Eventually they'll pull something off that you can't copy and leave you agape.
You're probably not winning a thing with that format.
Not like you would otherwise either, because Rule #1
COM appreciates effort, hard work and doing your own thing.
5. Be Daring
What's the point of entering a contest and competing, if you're not bringing your best in each entry?
Uhh...the joy of participating? 
Bring on your most twisted fantasy.
you seeing this shit?Everyone loves nice people, so take those nice people, cut them up and eat their flesh till there's a whole another person in you...
...wait, I think this one's for my "How to be serial killer for psychopaths" tutorial.
"But I'm vegan"
Hahaha man! I come up with some funny...
6. Don’t Laugh At Your Own Jokes
shit
Laughing at your own joke is the equivalent of sucking your own dick. At best, it means you're bendy.
You're not telling jokes to 5 year-olds who won't know it's a joke until you laugh at it.
(Looking at you Spanish amigos, with your jajajajajaja)
No más jajaja
"IT'S JUST A PRANK BRO!"
If a joke is funny, we'll laugh. We already know you're joking since the tagline says COMEDY Open Mic. Plus, since you filled the rest of the tags with "funny", "humor", "punchline" and "sarcasm", we already get the sense that you're trying to make us laugh.
(Looking at you
, wait, what?)
Stop self-promoting Amir
So I'm gonna tell you the same thing that my dad told me at our family gathering -
And what's that?
"Son, you're making everyone feel uncomfortable, stop sucking your own dick."
Sources
Make Epic Memes Like Me At: DecentMemes.com
(shoutout to 
Epic Thumbnail: click
Old Awkwardly Smiling Man: click
GIF That Won't Let You Sleep Tonight: click
(shoutout to 