Let's talk eye to eye about this girl.

https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/583268225387855873/589096338667601933/20190614_123458.jpg This girl hides behind a mask. She's been playing all along so well just to fit in the society she lives in. She plays the joker and involuntarily puts a smile and tried to entertain people around her. She makes sure they'd smile too. But let me tell you a background story.

When she's stuttering during her talk, you'd raise your eyes, when she's taking the time to find a word, you'd think she's very slow. When she's speaking in a distinct language and accent, you'd think she's arrogant for saying " I don't speak the language very well" despite born in the country. When she's taking too much time for doing a simple task, you call her lazy and unmotivated. When she's unfocused, constantly repeating the same questions, you call her stupid. When she shuts herself and rejects your invitation, you think she doesn't care; truth is, she was just overwhelmed. When she stays up late constantly, you'd think she's insomniac.When she nervously tapping her feet impatiently in a crowded space, you think she's weird. When she's overly nervous in a crowded space, you call her lacking of self-esteem and confidence. When she's constantly jumping from one project to another, you call her inconsistent. On top of all, you keep saying to her" you're fine", " you're fine", and "you're fine". These repeated phrases sticks in her head. And eventually, she's convinced that she's normal .

As she believes things you said, she stops going to doctor and taking her medications. She tries to lead a life just like everyone else. She'd force herself to go outside, talk to anyone she could, only to learn about the language. She would try to use it as much even if sometimes she'd ask " what is that?". People sometimes wonder, " where's she from?" of fact that she sounded much different. She's also leads a life that every early 20's girl would do. Little did she know, all the drinks, the smoke, and the mind consuming activities are just doing harm more than good. But again, she's managed to convince herself " I am no different, I am fine and I am perfectly normal. This girl has seen people out there calling depression and hidden disability as an excuse. She doesn't want people to see her that way. She doesn't even want to wear any badge, you could probably tell already. She thought it's nothing to be proud of. Yet she can't help to express her limitations when it comes to things that will influence her future. But when she does express this, once again, she will deal with " you look normal" not only that, there's a sense of doubt coming from the other party. Some are trying to be polite by asking her, " what is brain injury?" " what is brain fog?" " that's amnesia, not insomnia right?" -------- She would then, explain these things in hope they will understand. She's not looking to be sympathized, only an understanding. Truth is, nobody wants to get their head messed up, neither does she. She woke up that day as a new person, something that she's struggling to accept. Her surrounding were used to her old self. So, she's trying to be that just to fit in and it doesn't seem to work. She's trying to be honest about her limitations but she can't help to see bewilderment in your eyes. She knows, it's too much to digest for all of us. Brain injury, what the hell is that? is that even a thing? Let me tell you, Yes that's a thing and it has consequences, a long life consequences. Anyhow, as she neglects her medication she started to wonder, why she couldn't say a word, why she couldn't think, why she couldn't get a good night sleep, why she's impulsively buying things or eating or doing extreme activities, why she couldn't feel anything,.On top of all, why she's constantly having terrible headaches and involuntarily movements. The most annoying thing for her is that, why couldn't she remember things from yesterday?

I wrote this after another meeting with my research supervisor, a new character in my life these days. I feel the need to express my limitations so in the future, if anything happens, she'd understand. It's very challenging as always to speak about this. This stems from my inability to express myself and be honest about my limitations. I never want to be seen as an incapable person yet I certainly have limitations. I also think hidden disabilities is something that's overlooked. We're not making excuses. We even wish that you'd be on our shoes, to feel how painful the headaches or how difficult it is to say a word even remembering a word. We want you to understand just like how you want to be understood. On a postive note, certainly, having brain injury helps me to have more compassion towards other. I feel like it helps me understand that human struggle in one way or another. It also helps me to embrace that people have quirks and annoying side.Apart from that, I write this to get this off my chest.

If you manage to read from above to here, thank you. If you ran across someone with a brain injury, have some more compassion. I wish you wouldn't call them slow, stupid, lazy or unmotivated. We don't want to have a brain injury, just so you know. It happens for a reason, something that's often under our control.

Thank you, [*macchiata*]

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