I was asked out on dinner dates by two guys that I met on a dating site. Two very similar requests for second dates with two very different outcomes and how I totally played a part in making things go sideways (as in the awesome movie with Paul Giamatti and Thomas Haden Church that my friends and I often refer to). The propositions: Kielbasa (not his real username) wanted to go to a movie and dinner and Recycler was suggesting Thai food on a different evening.
I love routine, I eat the same thing during the week, protein shake for breakfast, made with frozen bananas (peel them before you freeze them), frozen pineapples (from Costco), frozen kale, and Vega protein. For lunch, it is usually kale salad with quinoa. I tell myself and others that I eat the same thing and try to stay away from starch carbs and sugar during the week so that I can eat anything that I want on the weekend but my eating routines has a lot to do with housing a brain that needs a lot of certainty and routines that feel familiar.
Kielbasa is a big Polish guy who was suggesting dinner and a movie to escape the cold, rainy weather. In my efforts to control the situation, I tried to see where I could create a bit of certainty. I suggested a science fiction movie about life on another planet. Because it was a Tuesday night during Christmas holiday week, I thought it might be extra busy because movie tickets are discounted on Tuesdays and that it would be prudent to purchase tickets in advance.Here are the texts, that's him on the left, I'm on the right with the blue bubble, however, I look much more feminine and exotic in real life.
I'm not sure what planet he is from but booking online usually means paying online at the same time. "What was that about you taking me for dinner and a movie," I thought to myself. Um, ok, so now he is asking me to spring for the tickets which kinda took the romance out of the date. Maybe he should get internet savvy and figure out how to book online himself, seriously, he's never booked anything online before or more probable that he just does not want to make the effort. He should have said, "Hey, let's go for a dinner and a movie; and btw, the movie is on you!"
As I became more mindful, I realized this is what I get for trying to control the situation and attempting to tell him how he should get tickets. I realized that I should have just let him do dinner and a movie the way he wanted to do it - which was to show up at the theater with cash and figure it out. I could have just told him that I thought it was going to be busy because it was Tight Night. So I need to take responsibility for my need to control the situation to feel more comfortable or whatever excuse I use to justify it. My suggestion on how to do it made things go sideways and caused Kielbasa to respond by asking me to go ahead and do it the way I was suggesting. What did I expect? I need to learn how to be gracious and receptive and should have just sat back in my feminine energy and received what he was offering in the way that he was offering it. Hard to for a student of kaizen, with a brain that is constantly looking for what is wrong and how to improve it.
TheRecycler, partner in a business that made products from recycled paper, wanted to go to dinner for Thai. I love Thai food but I was not comfortable with this because I wanted to get to know him a bit better and not have to worry about dinner and, well, chewing and stuff. I don't think first dates really count as dates, they are more like first meetings because I am not totally present in the conversation as my mind wanders to whether or not the guy is attracted to me; and whether or not I could see myself married to this guy - kidding!). I wanted to keep thing simple and go for drinks instead so that I could focus on being present in the conversation (another attempt to control the situation). That's me on the right.
I suggested a place for drinks and within four minutes he had made a reservation - Impressive! This felt much better because I was able to speak up about what I wanted but I didn't tell him how to do it. I also think it has something to do with the type of person that he is - a take charge and make it happen type. I made a request and got a different outcome. The way that he made the reservation and just took care of things was impressive and made me feel special. Well done sir!
Date Night
Kielbasa didn't pay me back for the movie like he said he would. I watched Passengers with arms crossed mostly because the whole situation didn't create much romance for me. We went for dinner and I noticed that he was mostly delivering monologues and wasn't well versed in the art of conversation, you know a dialogue where you somehow figure how to get the other person engaged in the topic of conversation. I mostly listened to him talk about one dimensional subjects, like work, places he has travelled. Purely factual storytelling that left out what he thinks or or how he feels about his experiences. Any subject can be interesting when you engage the listener to share similar experiences - which did not happen. I don't think I will see him again.
For the women who just like to get to the point:
- If you're not feeling comfortable about something, speak up.
- Be open and receptive (feminine energy).
- Give the poor guy enough time and space to do things in his own way.
- There's no need to do anything.
- Be thankful and show gratitude.
I know how guys sometimes want just the tip so here they are:
- Go ahead and just take charge like you're the leader in control of the situation.
- Don't wait for the woman to do it, just get 'er done. It's impressive.
- Women like a man with a plan (then like to change the plan, well, if we are being honest, we also like to try and change the man.