If schools offered a class teaching boundaries and a practical application of those boundaries, perhaps I wouldn’t have a problem saying no to your request for a hug even though you smell like body odor, Cheetos, Axe body spray, taco sauce and latex. It’s actually really disturbing. Maybe after taking this course I would have little issue saying “Actually Jane, I barely want to attend the wedding; I have even less interest in shoving Jordan Almonds into little mesh bags and sealing them shut with hot glue guns; probably burning myself half a dozen times. Can we just stick to me showing up late and fastening myself to the hors d'oeuvres table?” How many times has someone asked you to do, or has done some uncomfortable shit to you and for lack of testicular fortitude [or clitoral kung-fu] you sit by, shrug your shoulders and jam your thumb up your ass? Maybe you promise yourself you’ll say something next time. Bullshit. You don’t want to make shit uncomfortable, right? Imagine if we had been taught that’s it’s not only ok, but also cool as fuck to respect ourselves.
I remember taking classes like Home Economics, Journalism and Photography. I think I remember taking a computer course as an elective and I even took German and American Sign Language; but I was never offered a course that taught me that it was cool to tell someone that my space was being violated and to step the fuck off. We are raised to be tolerant and accepting of people, but how far into this backbend are we supposed to go? Compassion and tolerance are things I strive for personally, but I need to be able to draw the line somewhere. Where is that line?
Will I be judged if I prefer to shake your hand rather than embrace you? Maybe I don’t trust your motives. Maybe you smell. Whatever my reason; does that make me a bad person? How do I approach that? I need direction. Left to my own devices, I will either never say anything to avoid some awkward exchange or I will throw that bitch in overdrive and say: “Listen, you smell crazy bad and I’m not entirely sure you’re not a serial killer- so for real, let’s stick to handshakes. This way I still know I can snap your wrist if you try some shady shit.” From our early years I feel like we are programmed to tend to others and make them feel accepted but we are never, or at least I wasn’t, taught that it’s ok to tend our own needs too. As a mature woman with a family, I think it’s even more prevalent. It almost makes me miss being a sloppy drunk; I was always getting my needs met. “Fuck you, and you, and you…oh and fuck you twice because I’ve hated you since high school bitch. I’m doing me!”
What would a class in boundaries look like? Instead of the penis and vagina on the overhead projector like in sex education would there be a list of do’s and don’ts? A guide to self-care in the simplest form?
Do
-Thank them for the opportunity, but...
- Explain that prefer not to embrace
-Pause when Agitated
Don’t
-Laugh when they ask/offer
-Throat punch
-Start yelling and telling them they make you fucking crazy - not helpful
Each list is going to look different, but you kind of get the drift. Mine might include stuff like: don’t say hateful shit, don’t throw shit, don’t peel out of the driveway in the car to prove just how pissed off you are because once again so-and-so didn’t pick up on a very obvious cue and is proving you really need to spell it out for him. It might include stuff like: ask for the 20 mins of alone time that you need, it’s ok to not make dinner every night and it’s ok to ask for help too. I never learned to say no. I never met a drink or drug that I could say no to. It seems that I have a problem with the word “no” in general. I can’t say that I would have paid much attention in school if this was offered to me as a course; I was usually trying to make a joke out of curriculum or was already loaded by the time I got to class – but hey, maybe you guys could have gotten something out it.
It just tickles me that we teach our children foreign languages in school; even obscure shit, but we can’t teach self-love. What the fuck is that shit about? Maybe if we were better at loving and respecting ourselves we’d stop being such assholes too. There are seriously some narcissistic twats out there. There needs to be a balance. Too much of anything is bad, right? I take that back. I love music, dogs, cats and babies – can’t get enough. The babies have to someone else’s though; I need to be able to give them back…because…boundaries.