I'm starting to have difficulties in talking...it's first time I walked on street and crying whole road and from all people only an uneducated person asked me what happend to me and ofc I avoided...
I wish I would or could drink alcohol...I wish I could take all the drugs in the world...I wouldn't care if I might die of an overdose...I'm already dead inside...everybody won, I lost...I give in, I give you all the white flag!
Yesterday I managed to see Sofia ...I went to Radu, stalking him at his place around 3 pm, saw him leaving with his Bmw car with loud bass music...I stood on the chairs of the neighbouring block next to his parents place, where he's staying with mmy daughter and with his parents and his sister who's married and with his nephew...
Sofia was so happy to see me...she kissed me and call me mommy...she made me cry so much and hate so much this situation...that after walking around together and talking...I had to give her little arms to his dad and his sister (as she came along from whatever business she had before)...
I'm a mom and I'm not a mom...how is this possible?
I'm a wife but I'm not a wife...
I'm a daughter but I'm not a daughter....
What AM I God?
Today I went to the hotel interview to discuss about contract with the manager lady at 11 pm...I woked up at 4 am after I slept from 9 pm...at 4 am I started searching on local google for jobs and maybe other better places to stay, and more cheap as I thought that I woun't be able to manage the rent and everything and buy what both of my kids need...but I couldn't find...
Discussing with the manager, she said things straight about conditions and salary..it's 1500 ron and some meal tickets of 200 ron and that's it...colleagues say you can get tips but..you can't put a base on the tips when time for paying the rent comes, is it?...or maybe my judgement is clouded...I don't know...
After I tried to come back to place I'm staying here which is close to Radu but a bit outside of the city...and feeling so lost and confused I ended up traveling until the end of line and get back and then exchange witb other bus and finally i got here...is a pretty big room with bathroom being used by other two ppl who rented other two rooms in the vila, kitchen same being used by all and it's around 880 ron per month with all utilities included...
Radu feels angry that I choosed to pay rent+waranty(which is same as rent) and not give him the divorce he wants...would be fine for him if I would be on street...although he pretends to say that he wanted me to be more in UK and come back better...
At 6 pm i called Radu if i can meet Sofia...(I've stopped a bit from writting...thinking at how Radu's skin used to smell and how I loved to touch it and feel it like my own skin..and imagening and hard to imagine that somebody else is touching it now....) and i got to his place bringing Sofia what i got for her from Uk, and he wasn't home..he made me wait for like 20-30 min and after he went to pick Sofia from upsfairs and bring her down...she loved the lil princess dolls and all i gave her...she hugged me and kiss me and she was so sweet when pointing at the princess bride doll saying mommy and pointing at the prince doll saying daddy without me even telling her or inducing her anything...no suggestion what so ever...at that point I was holing that in Radu's place she would conti ue saying that and maybe make Radu think better...or maybe he's so inlove tbat he simply doesn't care..
After 30 min of staying with Sofia on my legs and me staying on the stairs outside his block, playing with the drawing book and the pensils...Radu became angry that he doesn't leave to work soon and started attaking me with questions regarding divorce...when telling him all I gotta do, he became more angry and say that I don't want divorce and he left few meters away...
Dragos was in the park waiting for me with his grandmother, as i had things for him too...I thought he was very anxious and his grandmother thought to take him in park so we meet there...
Seeing how he is, and knowing that Dragos waits for me, I managed to not cause a drama to Sofia and leave her little heart in temporary peace and we managed to kiss and say good bye peacefully and cheerfully...she's so wise at 3 years...my baby....my heart....my angel....
On the way to the subway I couldn't stop thinking why the hell is so important the divorce for Radu....more important than putting his elbow to a rent so we can stay together and take care of Sofia together...like a family...ofc I thought that that eoman in his life must be the reason . Or his parents, but I called him to ask it...
He was very nervous bcs of my call and he tols me that he wants to be free just...and that maybe he wants to put his car on his name not on his mom's name as it is now...
We ended the call and i got to Dragos around 9:20 pm, earlier...he opened the window and asked for things i came to give him...i asked him to open the door, he said he's in short pants...and i gave him the things and asked him if he can bring me some 3 t-shirts as i don't have many for summer because in Uk i took mosgly warm clother...he told me to wait a sec to talk with his grandparents...and after he came and told me that everything is in boxes and tied and he can't give me now...I asked him if he needs anything he said no...and then I told him goodnight and a long good bye....
I started crying after i left...i didn t expected this attitude from his grandparents..not to let me come inside and not even saying hi after two months...
I stopped on a bench after a few m, crying and i wanted to call somebody...or just jump in front of a car...and anyway i called Radu to ask him what does everybody have with me?!
He started saying that everybody wants me tough and powerfull, on my feet , with a stable job so i can create and get more when i want to...i told him that I am strong when people i love the most are beside me...and how can i be sgrong when each little part of my soul is being ripped and cut and destroyed, smashed and kicked and trown?! He stafted getting angry and telling me that because of me he.s not working and that he looses money.. and tbat when he told me to stay in uk i didn t listen to him..at that ppint i told him that because he said he has a relafionship, I came back...after he said that for two years we stopped having a relationship...i told him ok, but having intimate connection and meeting and doing things together..that doesn t mean you don t have a relationship(so what can i understand from this? That he f**** has somebody for two years?!)...after he said that if sometime somebody shinny will steal my eyes(and my love) , he would call me like i call him and stress him...and then i asked him what u mean by that? And he said "was just a saying"....
After he became extremely nervous and hang up the phone....
I toom the subway...crying whole time...trying or not trying to hise my tears but anyway nobody was looking so..doesn't matter.
I don't know how i got here..."home"...i feel dizzy, confused, lost, destroyed, i can't see any point in anything...i just feel that I simply have to forgot about anything and everybody....and do what? And be where? And for whom?....
I wish I would have Bon Jovi's strenght...."Have a nice day"!
My angel
(Radu's precious Bmw car)
This is what my old neighboughr bought me...bcs i told him while meeting in afternoon and discussing how things are working here(he.s divorced and old, left his home to his wife and his 15 year old boy came to live with him in a room here).. told him that i barely ate since i came and i can.t eat....seriously stfangers are giving me food??????? I can t stop crying....
