*balancing on my custom made green bay packers shoes.
when i was little, i used to think little mice in tiny shirts and cute hats went into my closet and altered my clothes to be smaller. i'd seen how they'd made a beautiful blue gown for cinderella to wear to the ball and was confused why they'd chosen to shrink my stuff... i now know there were no mice after all; i was simply growing out of my clothes. of course, it's more fun to think that these friendly mice are responsible for my too tight jeans instead of the fact that i've gone out to eat with friends several times in the past few weeks or eaten cupcakes everyday or accidentally shrunk them in the dryer myself.
honestly, i wish my mice friends were in my closet altering my jeans a size or two smaller these days. i started working at an amazing boutique spin and yoga studio five months ago and, over the past three months, have made it a habit to take spin followed by yoga five or six days a week (yes, 10-12 classes a week). i still eat normally. cupcakes, potato chips and chocolate are very much a part of my diet but so are kale, quinoa and bananas. it's a balancing act. working out a lot means i'm hungry a lot, so i eat often and drink a lot of water... i don't think i've lost weight but i'm definitely leaner, so my clothes fit looser. thus, my need for my fairy tale mice; i really don't want to give up my collection of jeans.
as adorable and helpful as they are though, the mice have never been my favorite part of cinderella. it was the love story. the romance. i'd be lying if i said prince charming didn't make my heart melt. even as a wee little girl, i found him incredibly handsome and absolutely perfect. (thanks, disney, for turning me into a white boy kind of girl; growing up in wisconsin didn't help either.) i grew up with an image of an incredibly handsome, absolutely perfect man who would fall in love with me at first sight, pursue me with only my glass slipper to go on, marry me in front of the entire kingdom and have a castle for us to live in happily ever after. that's a fairy tale for you.
real life is... different. the incredibly handsome man is either gay or emotionally unavailable or, hard to believe (i know), just not interested, and the absolutely perfect man is your friend, one you're not attracted to or you're attracted to but he's married to someone else or, let's be honest, he's gay. i am surrounded by a variety of these men, none of whom i can feasibly date seriously much less marry... i enjoy their company, adore their humor and, in some cases, truly love them as friends.
i had dinner with fratboy the other night. we'd gone to college together and always had an unspoken attraction to one another. we were dating other people back then and neither of us is the cheating type, so nothing ever happened. over the past thirteen years, we've kept in touch going as far as making a pact to marry each other if we were both single at forty. around his thirtieth birthday, he asked me to marry him, to move our pact to thirty instead of forty. i was with beamer and gently declined... fratboy dated here and there, asking me to marry him once (twice?) more before eventually getting engaged to his ex-fiancee around the time i left beamer almost four years ago now. beamer and i got back together; they broke off their engagement soon after.
we went to our ten year college reunion together three years ago; he flew in from new york and i from la. he rented a car and we drove to the place we met; we shared a hotel room with two queen sized beds. beamer and i were living together at that point; fratboy had just started dating his now wife. nothing happened beyond the campus tours, football game, drinks with friends and all the meals we shared together; again, neither of us is the cheating type... fast forward to six weeks ago when we recently met up for dinner (he's in la for work every six weeks or so):
fratboy: i can't believe he let you go.
me: yup. i'm single... and you're married.
fratboy: (shaking his head) i didn't think you'd be single again.
me: yeah. me, too.
that's real life. fratboy thinks... no. he knows i'm amazing and wants the same things i do. he's also married... to someone i've never met and may never meet... the truth is, fratboy and i have fairy tale ideas about each other. while we've been honest in our conversations over the years and have a solid friendship, neither of us really knows how we are in our everyday lives because we've never lived together. he's never seen me sick or dealt with me when i'm hungry; i have no idea what he's like after a bad day at work or what he smells like after a night out with his friends. (also, he's a bears fan so it would never work.) we love each other without the complications of dating. that ship sailed thirteen years ago.
don't get me wrong, i have a rom-com worthy fairy tale ending with fratboy in the back of my mind. there were epic ones with beamer for a long time. the one with handyman is particularly romantic and the most unrealistic. why i even bother, i do not know... i subconsciously create these impeccably scripted boy-realizes-he-can't-live-without-girl (me!!!) scenes despite the reality that is my life. i'm not sure if it's normal and i really don't care. that's just where my mind goes. sometimes i fool myself into believing these fantasies can actually happen (yes, i am that confident some days). thankfully, i'm not entirely delusional and can tear myself away from my perfectly imagined situations.
i find balance.
fairy tales always end with happily ever after. i've wondered what that must be like and have decided it would probably get boring after awhile. there are only so many balls you can attend in a gorgeous gown with your handsome husband before you decide a night in your pajamas with your girlfriends, pizzas and ice cream is exactly what you need to center yourself. to find balance... or maybe you just want to stay home with a good book; it's a lot of work to get ready for a ball or even a party... romantic gestures are great but to deal with being romanced all the time would be annoying. i can't imagine being romanced while i'm watching my packers play or am sick with the flu; i'd just want to watch the game or take a nap.
real life gets messy... i prefer messy over perfect though. perfection is a facade. it's not real and i want real. i don't need to meet someone at a ball and fall in love at first sight, but i do need him to really see me and love me beyond the initial attraction. i don't need a handsome prince to sweep me off my feet into his castle, but i do need him to be supportive and treat me as an equal. a partner through whatever life throws our way. i don't need him to save me from an evil stepmother or a witch or a dragon, but i do need him to accept me and treat me with kindness, generosity and compassion. i also need him to make me laugh and marry me, not necessarily in front of a kingdom. a beach somewhere tropical will do but...
the shoes i'll take.
*originally published on blogspot. saturday, september 19th 2013
http://livingandlovingandlaughingohmy.blogspot.com/2013/09/fairy-tales-and-real-life-and-finding.html
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