The expectations trap
In my coaching practice I want to remain open to new approaches, always. There is always something that can be improved. And it‘s fun to experiment! A key to happiness is to discover the child within. Or to rediscover the child within I should say. The child that embraces challenges. The child that loves to try out new things. The child that‘s not afraid to fail. The child who doesn‘t know failure.
"How is that possible?“, you might ask. It's simple. The possiblity of failure implies a certain expectation. You want to remove failure? Remove expectations. That‘s when you embrace a different kind of playfulness akin to the playfulness of a child. It‘s that simple.
However, I‘m not saying that expectations are inherently wrong or destructive. I‘m only saying that it tends to be an effective step towards experiencing life‘s lightness of a child once you remove expectations.
Expectations are very useful. If you place and choose them wisely. They can be a massive factor for your motivation. If you place and choose them wisely. The key word, once again, is clarity. Clarity on your wants and needs. For many it‘s very uncomfortable because you start questioning the world you‘re living in. The world you deemed to be true. Questioning your thoughts, your beliefs, your goals etc. can be uncomfortable if not painful. And it should be! It indicates that there‘s something to be worked on. On the other side of pain lies relief and a new level of freedom.
Expectations like big goals can stop you from functioning too. If the goal is too big you can feel intimidated and overwhelmed. I occasionally find myself overwhelmed. Focussing too much on goals can make you forget the joy of the journey itself. To me no goal is worth attaining if it means to stop enjoying the journey completely. There will be obstacles to overcome, it will feel uncomfortable, in some instances you will feel like you‘re not enjoying it, that‘s completely normal, it‘s part of the game. These are moments of facing your fears. Getting on stage, speaking up in a group of people, going to that job interview. These are exciting moments to grow as a human being. It can get quite uncomfortable when you‘re faced with the possibility of being rejected. In the end it's not about avoiding these uncomfortable moments. It would mean that you wouldn't grow. In the end it's about coping with these situations in the best way possible. Let‘s hand out a useful tool.
How ridiculous...
Jason Goldberg, a performance coach I admire greatly and the author of „Prison Break“, is a master when it comes mindset tools. In stressful situations he asks:
„How ridiculously relaxed can I get?“
Try it out for yourself the next time you‘re afraid to speak up in group or the next time you feel anxious before a job interview. You start shifting from engaging with a potential worst case scenario to using your mind to not just focus on the now, but to create a state beyond fear. You cannot be relaxed and afraid. Being afraid means you are all tense, ready to for the fight or the flight. When you're relaxed you're way more likely to see opportunities. Being relaxed indicates that there's not an existential threat. That one job interview doesn't determine your fate. There will be more opportunities.
„How ridiculously relaxed can I get?“
A lof of Jason Goldberg‘s work has to do with the a mindset-shift away from scarcity towards abundance. Very often we get overwhelmed because we feel there‘s not enough time, there‘s only this one chance, there are not enough materialistic resources, there‘s a lack of skills etc. It‘s the clichee of the devil on your shoulder. The fear-driven voice inside of you. The inner voice of doubt. The voice of fear and scarcity. The voice that makes up worst case scenarios to stop you from pursuing your dreams. The voice that makes up worst case sceanarios to stop you from enjoying the now. The voice that makes up worst case scenarios to stop you from living in a world of unlimited possibilities.
"How ridiculously relaxed can I get?“
It‘s a constant search for balance. The expectations shouldn‘t be too high, otherwise you feel overwhelmed. The expectations shouldn‘t be too low, otherwise you‘re not motivated, there‘s just not enough at stake. It‘s interesting, however, that a relaxed state of being doesn‘t translate into sloppiness or a lack of focus. I find that I‘m at my best when I am relaxed AND focussed. Like a child. Give it a shot!
So, how ridiculously relaxed can you get? :D
Picture source: https://pixabay.com/en/kid-soap-bubbles-child-fun-1241817/