“Oh my God, this steak is so good I can taste it’s soul.”
~Ted Turner
There’s an old story that we at the America Fun Fact of the Day offices like to tell to really amp us up. And by “old story” we mean “a heritage myth we stole from some Indians and tinkered with, because, you know, America.” It talks of the Bear and the Cow. The Bear was the most feared animal in the forest, able to rule the forest mercilessly, this being before the existence of C. Dale Petersen. All animals fled his path, and hunters to him were like hot dogs inside orange-vest hot dog buns. Brother Bear knew no fear, and had never experienced pain. Then, one day, there was a cow stampede in the forest. These fat cows, lumbering, came in such great numbers that Bear had to climb a tree to evade them, only to look down in despair to see his youngest cub directly in the path of the oncoming bovine charge (Bear was sort of a shitty parent, to be fair). Right as the Bear grimaced, preparing for the death of his child, Brother Cow stopped in his tracks, directly in front of Bear’s cub. The rest of the herd ambled past, and when the dust settled, Cow stood in front of the cub, and in his mouth was a blade of grass, which he gave to the cub. Brother Bear was so relieved that he climbed down, and said to Brother Cow, “You have saved my own dearest child. Thank you, Cow, you truly are a noble creature.”
Today’s America Fun Fact of the Day is about Steak, a delicious food, national pastime, and very convenient excuse to clear rainforest land to cultivate cow grazing fields (because fuck nature). The mere existence of Steak is something we Americans take for granted. Oh, we appreciate the tender meat, the explosion of flavor, the red releasing from around the knife’s first incision of a perfectly medium rare steak helping satiate both our hunger and our relentless blood lust. We marvel as steakhouses bring giant hunks of meat from even larger animals while charging a massive fee. We don’t really understand why corn-bred Iowa beef is better, but goddamn it we know it is.
And really, steak is the one food that can take something as ruthlessly ugly as this.