I’m trying to figure out if I’m hungry. You’d think I’d know, that this would be easy for me. But it’s not, and it never has been.
I’m either so hungry it hurts or I’m just not sure. Throughout my life, food was applied like a bandaid. It soothed bodily boo boos and hurt feelings alike. It was, like books, an escape. I often paired it with books like others pair cheese and wine.
I was never taught portion control or how to balance a meal. I never learned to stop eating before I felt full or even after. What I learned was how to fill myself to keep the pain out. When puberty settled on my body, so did nearly 50 extra pounds. I went from fit to heavy. It was hard to move, breathe or enjoy. So I ate.
My weight hit its peak during my third pregnancy. Once my daughter was born, I began the work to undo years of poor habits. It took two years, but I lost 100 pounds. Then I experienced injury and gained back 30. Today, I’m within 10 pounds of my healthiest weight. I say “healthiest” because it is not my lowest, nor is it my recommended weight. It is the number at which my body feels and functions best.
Am I hungry?
This is an important question. I track my food through an app on my phone. It helps me know when not to eat and keeps me accountable; it ensures that I do eat. This is also important because I have a history of starving my body when sad or stressed. If I eat now, I need to plan for what I will or won’t eat later. My goal is not to lose weight. It’s to eat without bingeing. That’s the flip side of starving. I am an all-or-nothing eater.
I am hungry. I can feel it now—the empty space of my stomach. This is no false message to eat. It might have been. I am anxious. My body is sore. I am overtired. Sleepy also feels like hungry. But scrolling through my app shows I had a tablespoon of peanut butter over an hour ago. That was a small snack. It’s time for something bigger.
Is it this hard for everyone, I wonder? My eldest son struggles to properly identify hunger, but that is a neurological difference he was born with. My other two, they leave in the middle of meals coming back to nibble if hunger strikes. They were born knowing.
The energy I put into feeding myself is exhausting. I want it to be easier, but I’m also proud of how much I’ve learned about my needs and how far I’ve come in meeting them. I have not had a disordered eating relapse for five months. I have lost 20 pounds. My strength and endurance have increased considerably. And the only thing I changed was tracking my food.
It used to frustrate me to have to ask myself whether or not I am hungry. Now it comforts me. And since I am hungry, it is time to eat.
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