Everyone hates the witch in Hansel and Gretel, but she obviously made a lot of delicious pizza. While crust would obviously have worked well for her house, she chose candy over pizza. That's someone I can trust. Think about it. I don't want to spread too many conspiracy theories, but I believe in an alternate telling of that story.

Maggie (that was the witch's name) was humming her favorite song and putting a delicious margherita pizza into her woodfired oven when she was interrupted by a rapping at the door. She paused. No one else lived within miles. Must have been the wind. But there it was again. This time, much more aggressive. She put down her wooden pizza paddle.

'Who is it?' Maggie said.

'Delivery,' said a voice from behind the door.

'Delivery of what?' Maggie replied, cautiously.

'Pizza. It's the pizza man so open up' said a voice.

'Yeah bitch!' said another sharp female voice.

At this point, Maggie knew they were lying for she made her own pizza at home and didn't settle for that Di'Giorno's, Papa John's bullshit.

She tried to push her giant kettle full of candy corn against the door, blockading it with 50 pounds of delicious, if not nutritious, sugary candies.

But it was not enough...Hansel and Gretel burst through the door with a wooden battering ram. Both were clad in leather and they had those little spikey things from hot topic on their shoulder blades. The hoodlums probably listened to Korn or that Marilyn Monster guy.

'We heard you got a woodfire pizza oven you witch and we want in on that pizza money!'

Maggie was dazed. Leaning against the brick of her oven she protested, 'I don't make any pizza money. I keep to myself. I was cursed with spells that could only make candy. But this pizza...' She grinned with a twinkle in her eye. 'Pizza is the one thing I learned myself over the years. A labor of love. I would gladly share a slice with you if you would just calm down.'

'No pizza money?!' screamed Gretel in anger, tossing the battering ram in disgust through a table made of chocolate bars.

'What are we gonna do with this b?' said Hansel as he tapped his hand with a giant candy cane.

Maggie started eyeing the window behind her. She started backing towards it.

'Get her!' shrieked Gretel. Hansel and Gretel leaped towards Maggie.

At her wit's end, Maggie called out 'Boil boil toil in my tummy, now the floor is covered in gummies!'

The floor was indeed covered in colorful gummy worms right beneath the feet of the oncoming children who slipped and landed into the oven never to be seen again.

Unbeknownst to Maggie, it turns out that she had single handedly taken down the infamous Pizza Delivery Killers of 1872.

People from that era all thank Viacoin Jesus that Maggie was able to think fast and remember how to conjure slippery candies. Maggie is now 161 years old and lives in upstate New York where she and her husband run a small place called Mike and Maggie's Pizzeria.