I sat slumped in my chair as the woman on the little mini stage at the front of the room breathlessly talked about Our Data and occasionally flicked her little pointer excitedly to advance her powerpoint slideshow.
I looked about the other poor souls who had been bundled off to the mandatory GDPR training by their respective workplaces. There were not that many, about ten of us. Everyone seemed to be engrossed in the mindless twaddle the lady up front was spouting.
In fact, everyone seemed to be jotting down notes. I idly wondered if I should too? Nah, stuff that. That's what brains were for. If only I could be bothered to focus that is.
My workplace had panicked recently when they realised that they played fast and loose with customers data and could now get fined 10 million euros for doing so.
As a result, we had all got papped off onto a GDPR course to find out how best to preserve the customer's data integrity and not run around throwing it everywhere as we had previously been doing.
Somehow I made it to the last slide in the woman's deck without falling asleep.
Would everyone like to take a comfort break and be back in perhaps twenty minutes?
She trilled like an unhinged budgie.
We all nodded like Pavlov's puppies and filed out.
There was a small breakout room with a coffee machine. I instantly ran to it and hugged it, desperate for it's thick and dark bitter contents.
Only about four people had made it through into the breakout room.
Where did everyone go?
I remarked.
A mad woman with the foamy flanks and eyes of a horse that had been ridden too hard tossed her head sidewards at me.
All out smoking eh! Filthy, filthy so and so's that they are.
Oh.
I sighed inwardly. Smoking. I bet they were having a blast. In here no-one was speaking. I looked at my desperate companions to see if anyone looked up for some banter and chat.
Mad-frothing-horse-woman was a no-no.
Beside her was a mousy grey man stirring his tea and counting the number of revolutions the spoon made. Yikes no, just watching him stir his tea was making my hair go grey.
That left a younger couple of guys. One of them had mad hair as if he electrocuted himself every morning and the other had trousers which curiously, stopped halfway down his shins.
Phew, that presentation was a bit dry eh?
I said, with a knowing wink.
Short trousers looked at me as if I had asked to borrow a tin of beans from his Mother.
I find it rather interesting. I think that the security piece is the next big thing.
He intoned dolefully as if reading out the ingredients on a packet of noodles.
I looked for help at his wild-haired companion. He looked like a proper bloke, someone who knew how to tear things up.
GDPR though, I mean, who cares right?
I nudged him slightly.
Wild-Hair looked startled, as if I had just crawled up on a beach and laid hundreds of eggs.
Well I care!
He brayed, his once hidden front teeth now exposed like a donkey's as he opened his mouth to speak.
Really?
Yes really. It is important that we process data lawfully and transparently with a well-communicated purpose.
I shook my head and looked at the four of them. At that moment the smokers came in from outside, they were laughing and joking loudly. One of them was finishing telling a joke about the lecturer's clown shoes.
They all racked themselves up some coffees then headed back out for more smokery.
I felt a lump of envy in my throat.
At that moment, mad-frothing-horse-woman walked over.
So, what are we all doing for lunch, will we pop out somewhere?
Mousy grey man nodded, still stirring his tea. The pair in front of me also nodded enthusiastically. Which left me.
She gazed at me with her wild horsey eyes.
Well, are you in?
I looked at the three of them and my lip curled up in a sneer.
No thanks, I am going out to buy some cigarettes and join that lot out there.
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