As I surveyed the devastation of wrapping paper and plastic stuff that littered our living room floor I let out a contented sigh. In front of me was my little pile of presents. No Gibson guitar. No electric

Yo Boomy. Is this seat taken? El-Jefe squealed horribly like a fat Mexican jamming himself into a portable toilet. I looked up from my book and sighed. Could a man not even lunch in peace anymore? I knew

I pulled up at some traffic lights. Funk music was blaring from my car as if I were a seventies pimp on my way to collect my money from an assortment of spandex-clad ho's. If anyone had told me a few months

It is said that no one who faces the Cats of Death returns alive. I muttered grimly, throwing my vape to the ground and stamping it out. Must you go Daddy? We don't want to lose you? The kids clustered

So, what do you think? The Salesman at the garage patted the bonnet of the shiny blue car beside him as if it were a faithful dog and he was hoping that I would pay him to let it inseminate me. He had

It was time. The family sojourn up the cold and bitter north of Scotland. We tried to do it every year to toughen the kids up. There is nothing like getting forced to swim in the frigid waters of the northern

Here he is! The wounded hero. Back from the dead! El'-Jefe leered at me as if I was a crispy honey-glazed pork shoulder joint. Aye aye, whatevs boss man. I sat down across from him and his enforcer Blex

Please, take a seat. What can I do for you today? The Doctor waved me to a chair in his office. I eyed him suspiciously. He looked like a child's drawing of a man and I make a note of never trusting children's

Daddy, how much have I got in my bank account? The Little Lady was crouched over her phone screen no doubt staring at something on it which was screaming BUY ME! Uh, hang on. I logged into her bank account

Mr Boom? An odd looking nurse had popped her head around a door and was looking around the waiting room like a bewildered owl. Here. I raised a hand and tried not to cry myself a river of self-pity. Would

Listen. This place isn't a bottomless money pit, we have to work smarter with what we've got. What's not to understand? Blex looked around the ragtag bunch of heroes he was addressing, one of which and

Gimme some of that cheap ass. I grinned at my laptop. What the hell are you doing? Squawked the Good Lady in alarm as she saw me cackling and reaching below the table. Relax baby, I am on the hunt. The

The red warnings were out. Storm Euoqewwn was officially hitting the fair city of Glasgow. Storm Euoqewwn, an odd name for a storm. It might seem hard to pronounce but you just clear your throat as if

It was a few days after the New Year. As tradition had stipulated for the Scots, I had been outrageously drunk many times. Indeed, it could be said that I was mawkit which despite what the internet tells

Are you sure you can't stay in tonight? The Good Lady was wearing a party dress, boots and stirring at a pot on the hob. Whilst I found this scene witchily alluring, I remained focussed on my task of polishing

It was time for the annual Transport Museum visit. A time celebrated among the Boom's each year. Some said it was a shit time. Others that it was a waste of a hangover... Me, I said nothing but maintained

Ho ho ho... Merry Christmas! I hooted in the Good Lady's ear before giving her a resounding smack on the booty. Will you bloody stop slapping my arse?! The Good Lady exhibited a distinct lack of Christmas

Blummin eck, it's quiet today. I called out cheerily to the lonely-looking Personal Trainer mooching around the crash mats as if imagining himself jumping from a plane with a knife between his teeth towards

Hey Daddy, can you help me put together this toy from Uncle D? The Little Boom yelled as he ran into the living room dragging a big yellow box. I rolled my eyes good-naturedly. Can I help assemble something?

Right guys, who's feeling CRAAAZY?! Rumpled Milkskin roared rather unnecessarily at our table on the Christmas night out. I looked at him. He had had one too many sniffs of the barmaid's apron and despite