Hey Daddy, can you help me put together this toy from Uncle D?
The Little Boom yelled as he ran into the living room dragging a big yellow box.
I rolled my eyes good-naturedly. Can I help assemble something? Pah! Of course I could, I was the fucking god of assembling. I could literally eat plastic blocks and shit out a Lego Technic Supercar.
Yeah dude, of course I can. Hur hur hur.
I chortled like a handsome young Jabba the Hut tugging on Princess Leia's chain.
not a euphemism..... OR IS IT!!! HUR HUR HUR!!
The Little Boom walloped the box of whatever nonsense onto the table and grinned at me.
Can we do it just now, Daddy?
He beamed, eyes alive with pride at his Daddy, the once and future King.
No bother little guy. Daddy was made for this shizzle.
I picked up the box with a knowing smile which rapidly slid off my face like hot mozzarella from a deep-dish pizza.
Stir my shit with a spoon, what in the bloody fuck was this?
Tobbie the Self-Guiding AI Robot - Build Your Own DIY STEM Kit
This wasn't Lego? This was another beast entirely? Construct your own AI robot? I had enough trouble with the AI bots on Hive?
In the words of Leonidas himself, This was not Sparta.
I hefted the box up and looked at the back to see if it had any reassuring words for me. It didn't. It did at least say that it was fine for 8 years and up.
That was a bonus surely?
Can we then, Daddy, can we get building?
The Little Boom vibrated giddily like a BEKO washing machine set to kill.
Um, yeah. Sure. What time is it? Just gone 12. Aye, we will be done in an hour.
I lied like a motherfunker and opened the box which I had a gnarly feeling was also to be my tombstone.
It was worse than I feared and I had feared that at some point I had died and gone to hell. But this was worse than hell, there were about 5 million parts each of them tiny little footery things which my sad old eyes struggled to focus on.
Oh well, surely the instructions would help me out...
Sweet Kiwi's testicles? The instructions were more convoluted than a Blurt content creator's toilet arrangements.
And wires? Who the fuck invented wires? Surely the world would be a better place without fucking wires? I wasn't built to wire things? Surely there were men in those weird two-tone cargo pants for that?
Maybe coffee would help?
It didn't. It just made me want to despair pee.
Cogs. Fucking cogs. Why would an AI murder bot need cogs? I thought they operated on dream-juice or something?
And this? Was this its brain? I'm not a fucking surgeon? What did I ever do to the Robots to deserve this?
Unless... Maybe I was the one that ultimately destroys the AI overlords in the future and they have sent this thing back in time to murder me by making my eyes itch?
Well, let's have a look at you, oh nemesis of mine.
Daddy, is it ready yet!
The Little Boom yelled for the tenteenth time.
Fucking shut it you little bastard.
Fortunately, I held my teeth firmly gritted so that he just heard a grumpy mumbling.
Right head done. Now, how many fucking legs does a robotic velociraptor need?
OH MY FUCKING GOD. WHO THOUGHT IT WAS OK TO PUT THAT IN THE INSTRUCTIONS?!
At this point, I decided to let go of the tender gossamer threads of life and let myself float up and beyond the veil.
I told all my friends you can build anything.
The Little Boom's voice echoed from far far away and with a jerk I pulled myself back into the quivering lump that was my body.
Course I can dude.
I shook myself down and decided to just fucking get on building the octo-creature of doom.
And just like that...
It was done!
Tremulously I switched it on.
It was alive!!!!
As I watched it investigate my house I only had one thought.
Fuck you Skynet, I'm ready.