Right guys, who's feeling CRAAAZY?!
Rumpled Milkskin roared rather unnecessarily at our table on the Christmas night out.
I looked at him. He had had one too many sniffs of the barmaid's apron and despite his Milkskin moniker, his face beamed red with festive madness and alcohol.
Oh aye, I am fucking crazy, what's the plan?
Despite my left testicle being crazier than Rumpled Milkskin ever could be I thought I would indulge the chap. After all, he was such a forlorn soul. The type of mousy bespectacled character you often find in offices staring at girls feet and shuffling furtively at the photocopier.
And now, here he was, in his element. The Christmas night out and four pints of beer in.
Let's do it then. Let's go mental...
Rumpled Milkskin slammed his beer glass down on the table and flailed both hands up in the air like a lobster being boiled.
VENOM JUGS!!
He yelled.
El-Jefe, who had been wittering on at great length about how he was sure that the new girl in the team fancied him, yelped - his face breaking out into a huge grin.
Oh no... Oh no! Tell me someone did NOT just mention VENOM JUGS! OHO!!
He finished the dregs of his pint and walloped it down as if table slamming were becoming an infectious sport.
Count me in!
El-Jefe raised his hands in the air, his many glistening chins banging off each other like a Newton's Cradle made of ham.
Ya beauty!
Yelled another of my so-called colleagues, Wee Yellow as if it were 2008 and he was kissing that girl again and he liked it.
I cocked an eyebrow rather elegantly at them all. What was going on here? What in the flaming fanny was a VENOM JUG and why did everyone shout when they said it? Perhaps I should try?
VENOM JUGS
I roared and then shook as I was soundly and repeatedly slapped on the back by the guys around me.
YES!!! VENOM JUGS!!!
Everyone started chanting for these odd jugs including a table of people that we did not know nearby.
Rumpled Milkskin punched the air like it was a cat's arse and headed off to the bar.
It wouldn't be a night out if we didn't get the VENOM JUGS!
Yelled Kipper his left leg uncontrollably jerking up and down as if he were flirting with Michael Flatley.
I looked over at the only sane person left at the table, Jimmy Two-Ways who was shaking his head and looking at the floor. He glanced up, his eyes full of dark despair.
This is where it aw gets messy, when the VENOM JUGS come oot. Oh god, the missus is gonnae go aff her nut at me.
He lapsed back to staring at the floor as if he could see a shadowy reflection of himself in a puddle of future blood.
This is weird.
I had never heard of a Venom Jug before. Not even in the slightest and it was usually me that was a bit of a crazy drinker on a night out. Was I losing my touch? Had the youth gone wild in my absence and I no longer knew what a good time was?
A roar erupted from the neer-do-well's at the table and I looked up. My eyes widened in alarm, Rumpled Milkskin had arrived back from the bar, victoriously holding aloft two large jugs of luridly glowing green liquid.
So this was a venom jug? What the fuck made it that colour? And what the fuck could be in it, would I be sleeping in the attic tonight? Or even the garage?
I watched with a trembling dread as Rumpled Milkskin poured the contents of the jugs into 8 glasses.
Right everybody, VENOM JUGS!!!! YAAAAASSSSSS!
We all took one. I looked at it suspiciously, it smelled funny. Like arse moisturiser.
GO!
We all raised our glasses. Like a night warrior of dark renown I drank it all down in one go.
It was fucking horrible but not in a strong alcoholic way. It was just horrible in a weird drink way, like something your kid would make with M&Ms and lemonade and other random shit made of sugar.
El-Jefe barged into me, sweat flying off him like fat from overcooked kebab meat.
What do you think, Boom-Dawg? Isn't it incredible! What a night this is going to be!
He bashed further into my personal space like a Welsh Monk.
Where is this night going to go?
He asked the air confusedly, his head jerking around as if he were a blind dog looking for balls to sniff.
Not very far by the looks of you lot.
I made a disapproving face as if my male cat was having one of his embarrassing erections again.
El-Jefe wobbled slightly, like he understood words but not necessarily sentences.
VENOM JUGS?
He yelled randomly.
I shook my head.
Venom Jugs... Glasgow, what's happened to you?