I'm not leaving him. Whatever this is...
She motioned with a limp hand and an anguished expression on her face around the table that we sat at as if weakly firing a blaster at a wave of oncoming Stormtroopers.
Umm, ok.
I offered as reassuringly as I could. To be frank I was a little baffled. A lunchtime coffee seemed to have morphed into something from a tragic 18th-century romance.
It had all started innocently enough.
I had stopped off at my favourite coffee place on the way to work. As I ordered my coffee a woman called my name.
BoomDawg, is it you?
I turned to face the lady in question.
Tracy! Well well well, this is a nice surprise!
It was a girl I had once dated, Racey Tracy. It had been quite some years ago. Fifteen I think. We had met, dated then split up all in a few short weeks. After that she had started seeing a guy I was friends with, Dondo.
As far as I knew they had hit it off big-style and moved away up North. I hadn't heard from them in years.
Yes, we are back in Glasgow. Don got a job down here.
She seemed a little tense. As if a muddy ferret was gnawing at her knee. My coffee was ready and I picked it up and turned to leave.
Righto, well that's magic. I am pleased for you both. Maybe bump into you again!
I made for the exit.
She half blocked my way.
Listen, we should grab a coffee one day? Maybe lunchtime?
Yeah cool.
I made to navigate around her. People say stuff like that all the time. I didn't really feel the need to be exchanging numbers or mail addresses or anything.
Today be ok? What's your number?
Dash it! Oh well. I gave her my number and agreed to meet later that day.
We met in a different cafe to the one we had bumped into this morning. At first, we chatted about who had married who and who had had children in the intervening years since we had seen one another.
It was all very innocent.
About half an hour in and the small talk about people we both knew was starting to dry up.
Being the polite man about town I am I thought I would enquire after her and her man.
You and Dondo then, any children?
No.
She said with a wistful air, staring out the cafe window.
We don't really want kids.
Quite right, they are a pain in the chuff.
I said.
She didn't sound like she didn't want any so I didn't bother telling her how amazing the little tykes were even at their most annoying and how a smile from your child could heal all ills and make you feel ten feet tall.
Yes, that's what we think.
She looked as sincere as a cat telling a sparrow that it just wants to be friends.
I looked at my phone for the time.
Well, it has been lovely but I suppose I should get going.
I pushed my chair out to stand.
I'm not leaving him. Whatever this is...
Umm, ok.
What the heck? Had she gone cuckoo? When I wasn't looking had she fallen off her chair and banged her head? I looked at her, she had that mad desperate look in her eye as if having done a messy number two and realised there was no toilet paper for the wiping.
She motioned at me and her.
I can't leave him. Whatever happens...
I stood up very slowly as if trying not to waken a sleeping dog.
That's nice. Well done.
He means the world to me. He doesn't deserve this.
I looked around me for a weapon as she appeared to have gone full-on bonkers.
Erm, righto. It's been lovely. Must dash. Bye.
I moved away, getting faster as I went so as to quickly get clear of throwing range.
Call me tomorrow?
She yelled at my retreating back.
Not blooming likely, I thought as I whipped my phone out and blocked her number. I got out onto the street and ran as fast as my heart-breaking legs could carry me.
What about you? Has someone ever totally misinterpreted a situation and you have had to run like the wind to escape?
Even worse has it been of a romantic nature?
Tell us your best tales in the comments. I will be there to listen!
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