Lying in Bed
I was cuddling with my girlfriend, and she said, “I love lying here with you.”
“I once caught a fish, and it was five feet long and spoke Hebrew,” I replied. She stared at me, confused. “That was my lie,” I said.
“Oh, right. I see. Very funny,” she said. She paused a moment before rolling over. “That was my lie.”
Dating a Hoarder
I used to date a hoarder, and she broke up with me. That stings extra hard—I’m like the one thing she can get rid of.
Notable Never-isms
• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford
• Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. —Shirley Maclaine
• Never board
a commercial
aircraft if the
pilot is wearing
a tank top. —Dave Barry
• Never be in a
hurry to terminate a marriage. You
may need this person to finish a sentence. —Erma Bombeck
• Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information. —Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding
• Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper. —Quentin
Crisp
Sock it to Me
On the first night of their
honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the
husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.”
She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.”
Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”
Confessions of a Military Wife
My husband is infantry, and
he said the most wonderful things
to convince me to marry him:
• The closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing every day.
• I could have as many babies as
I want because giving birth is free.
• He would never get on my nerves, because he would always be gone.
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Also see: https://steemit.com/funny/@alexandruionescu/5-relationship-jokes-1