Although our marriage was on the rocks, we decided to try to make it work. We broke down and hired a live-in lizard wrangler.
"G'arvo mate. I ga' a call say der' wiz a right bludger inis' house wan' me to right wrangle 'is lizayzzy".
"Yes that's right. His name is Tristan and he's particularly aggressive".
"Fair Dinkum?"
"What?"
"Fair dinkum?"
"What?"
"Fair dinkum?"
"I beg your pardon"
"Yew' spake' Ingish', mate?"
"Yes," I said "I have a Masters in English literature from the University of Chicago".
"Well, him is a right, well puff izzay? No wunner' dis' dag don't have tha' hard yakka to wrangle 'is lizayzy"
"Me neva' wiz' wun' fer' Uni me-self. After me dad died me went to work right in da' bush wrasslin' crocs in the nuddy"
"Oh, I'm sorry about that. That sounds terrible," I said.
"Ah, it wuzunt' so bad! Dem' crocs is good people once yew' get to know em'.
"An' who might da' lovey' lady be?" He said kissing my wife on her palm.
"Ya' look more bootiful' den' a wallabe on Christmas," he said.
"Alright enough of that. Let's talk business. Can you wrangle my lizard for me or not?"
"Yis' I reckon so, but it will cost ya' two quid a week and all tha' Foster's I can drink."
"Deal," I said. "When can you start?"
"Me can start straight away, mate. Me wrangle right now"
"Wrangle him? With what? You don't have any equipment."
"Me can use me mighty strength, guvna"
"Alright. Just be careful," I said.
"Easy girl, ya' alright, ya' alright girl" he said in a gentle voice as he entered the terrarium.
"You iz' a bootiful' lizayzzy. Bootiful you. Now you stay put!"
"Stay put! I say!"
"I'll right wallop you! I will, I will!"
Something was beginning to go wrong. Tristan was overpowering the Australian.
"Ahhhhhhh! Grrrrrrrrrrr! Rrrrrrrrraaaoaooaogh" the Australian grunted as he tangled with the beast.
"A tinny! A tinny!"
"A what?" I asked.
"Git me a tinny, mate!"
"What's a tinny?" I asked panicking.
"A tinny, mate! A tinny! Git' me a can of Foster's!"
He gulped it down in one fell swoop. With his renewed strength he pinned the creature down to the floor.
He let out a loud belch as he climbed out of the terrarium.
"Well mate, I'm right sponkered. I need a bath."
"The shower is this way," said my wife.
Continued in part 4