In a big win for proponents of shellfish ideation based diets, the Food and Drug Administration announced today that the mere act of thinking about 5 to 7 clams a day could pose significant health benefits for most consumers.
It's. About. Time.
The news today came as no surprise to many. Indeed, the FDA's announcement only confirmed what divers and health bloggers have known for millennia: clams work. For several decades, a growing body of research has suggested that thinking about clams can reduce blood pressure, stress hormones and even improve cellular health.
In a captivating press conference, FDA commissioner Scott Gotleibb, laid out the findings of a report entitled "On the efficacy of ranged formulation of psychic Bivalve molluscs : some aspects" by Ferguson, Kruger, Gibbons et al. According to Gottlieb, thinking about 5-7 clams a day could increase levels of selenium, magnesium, niacin and vitamin B in the Brain cavity. What's more, a double blind study by the FDA found that clam ideation can result in a 3% rise in feelings of well being.
"Our findings are conclusive and they suggest that thinking about no less than 5, but absolutely, and for the love of God, no more than 7 clams a day can provide statistically significant health outcomes".
Despite the positive news, clam fantasists should exercise extreme caution the next time they feverishly imagine 5-7 clams, sources say.
While limited clam ideation has shown statistically significant health benefits, fantasizing about more than 7 clams could pose grave health risks. According to Gottlieb, imagining 8 or more clams could result in fever, paranoia, delirium tremors, shingles, rare cancers, heart disease, solar uticaria, scurvy, sore throat, death, whooping cough, the kissing disease, aneurism, severe diplopia, dry mouth, solar ultraviolet radiation, solar paranoia, solar anemia, diseases of the nervous system, constipation, severe nasal diphtheria and rage.
Ouch!
Needless to say, based on these findings it is abundantly clear that the federal government must take swift and broad action to regulate the way Americans think about clams. Experts in the field of phantasmagorical molusc ideation have proposed several solutions. Dr. William H. Downhauer a UCLA professor affectionately known by students as "the clam guy" has suggested a national Campaign to spread awareness. "What we need are tv and radio ads, magazines and billboards to get the message across to the public. We should keep it simple and straightforward. 'Do not think about 8 clams'. Something along those lines".
While thinking about clams is not without its pitfalls, the potential benefits are well worth the risk. Just make sure you don't think about more than seven and you should be golden.