I am not much of a sweet tooth, but like many of my other convict counterparts here in Australia, I love a good biscuit and a cup of tea (or coffee). Fortunately, in Australia, we have a wide variety of high-calibre biscuits and cookies as well as chocolate to choose from.
I worked over in the United States in 2014 for a little while, Seattle and Los Angeles primarily and the one thing I immediately noticed from my first visit to a supermarket was the crappy selection of biscuits and cookies. All laden with high-fructose corn syrup and artificial flavours.
Let me turn my first world problems smashed avocado millennial Snapchat filter on for a minute...
Finding a chocolate biscuit in the states that wasn't disgustingly sweet and lacking in complex flavours or more artificial ingredients than Joan Rivers face was impossible.
I seriously tried so many varieties and nothing but disappointment. The only good biscuits you can find are those that are imported from other countries and you pay a premium for overseas products.
My wife and I have been watching the new Lost in Space TV series on Netflix. As someone who loved the original as a child, I found it refreshing to see a completely different cast and enjoyed the show until an episode where a packet of Oreos features.
In episode two of the show (without spoiling anything for those who haven't seen it), a packet of Oreo cookies is featured. It turns out the chosen colonists picked to go into outer space had very strict weight allowances and the mother used up some of her weight allowance for a packet of disgustingly overrated cookies. During this episode, Oreos are featured in four separate scenes.
At first, I thought it was blatantly obvious cringeworthy product placement. But according to someone allegedly from the Lost in Space writing team over on Reddit, it's not product placement and the writers just really love Oreos (and so do the Robinsons).
The question remains: if you had such a strict weight allowance, why wouldn't you take some actual decent cookies into outer space?
What are Oreos, even?
If you ask me they're incredibly processed chocolate cookies that taste like they were made from a box of cookie mixture bought from the supermarket bargain bin. We need to consult official sources on this one because I don't even know what Oreos are.
According to Wikipedia's page on Oreo:
Oreo is a commercial brand of cookie usually consisting of two chocolate wafers with a sweet cream filling in between, and (as of 1974) are marketed as "Chocolate Sandwich Cookies" on the package.
There you have it, two rounded chocolate wafer biscuits with a sweet cream filling in between. They're not cookies, they're chocolate biscuits with a plain old sugary cream inside of them.
I fear the love for Oreos may stem from the fact they contain unknown addictive substances that cause you to disconnect from reality and kill your taste buds. Look at Stephen Colbert, he is so addicted he can't get them into his mouth fast enough. Someone call the food police.
And yet, Americans rave on about Oreos like they're a gift from the Gods of gastronomy. Restaurants use them in desserts, they come in different varieties (just not a good variety) and it seems children are raised on these things (surely that's a form of child abuse).
Can we please track this poor girl down, she appears to be going into shock after consuming Oreos. The sugar and corn syrup appears to be fusing itself with her DNA and altering her perception of reality. The high concentrated amounts of sugar in Oreos also appear to have caused one of her front teeth to fall out.
Oreos are an overrated lie
I am going to fill you in on a secret, if you're from Australia, New Zealand or the United Kingdom where you have access to real cream biscuits you might have already figured this out: the cream inside of Oreos is not real cream, as in it's not made from dairy whatsoever.
Yes, really. Thanks to some investigate food sleuthing, Eat This Not That concluded that the "creme" filling in Oreos is most likely made from; sugar, palm and/or canola oil, high fructose corn syrup, soy lecithin, and artificial flavour. And the FDA doesn't allow them to call it cream because of the lack of dairy, so they get around it by calling it creme. Clever.
No dairy in sight. This is why Oreos are actually suitable for vegans because they're basically just sugar and chocolate.
While I am sure some of the Americans that read this will completely disagree with the sentiment that Oreos are overrated and arguably the worse biscuit ever made and who can blame them, Americans are raised to believe Oreos are anything but amazing, it's a form of brainwashing.
The facts cannot be disputed and the science does not lie: Oreos are overrated. But don't despair, there is still hope for you yet, a real biscuit that will rock your world so hard you'll immediately be placed into a diabetic coma.
Dunking doesn't make it better
I have a couple of American friends and they just so happen to be in camp Oreo. I asked them how they could eat such a disgusting biscuit and sleep at night knowing their choice in biscuits and their answer was: you're meant to dunk them in milk.
The solution to masking the disgusting taste of Oreos is to dunk them into milk, brilliant. Maybe they should consider just adding actual milk into their biscuits, it might make them more palatable.
It seems to me that a biscuit that needs to be drowned in copious amounts of cow pus is just an excuse and conclusively proves that Oreos are so bad you need to drown them in milk to make them palatable.
Seriously, look at this. I am not impressed in the slightest, are you? Pass the mouthwash, please.
The real chocolate biscuit: Arnott's Tim Tams
Arguably, Tim Tams are the golden standard for a biscuit. They are long chocolate coated (original variety) biscuit fingers, and the recipe is believe to have been created by an angel who fell from heaven and couldn't get back, maybe.
There is an Arnott's factory just 20 minutes away from where I live here in Australia, and on the days they bake (a few times per week), when you drive past you can smell the most amazing biscuit smell wafting out like you're at your grandmas house and she just pulled a tray of biscuits from the oven.
Seriously, look at these biscuits. How can you NOT want to eat them? Anything covered in dark chocolate is begging to be eaten. Look at the golden biscuit inside, these biscuits deserve to be in a museum.
If Tim Tams were a person, they would be elected prime minister of Australia every time. Men would want to be them, women would want to be with them, people would cry in the streets in delight every time they saw them. Tim Tams are bigger than The Beatles, bigger than The Rolling Stones and the best thing since sliced bread.
And guess what? They contain actual milk solids and 38% dark chocolate. And just when you thought these holy biscuits couldn't get even more holy, they contain golden syrup and no high-fructose corn syrup in sight. Talk about revolutionary.
Can you get Tim Tams in the US?
YES. Just like everything else, you can buy these biscuits on Amazon. But fair warning, these biscuits are so delicious and addictive that you'll find it hard to eat anything else. I mean, just read some of these Amazon reviews of Tim Tams, the people have spoken.
Jeremy Bray
These are fantastic. They are like Oreos but 100x better. Although while I love the original version, I think my favorite is the Dark Mint.
UCF Professor
Do not buy these if you are watching your carbs or calories. They are one of the most irresistibly delicious concoctions I have ever tasted. I bought them as a gift for an Australian friend currently living in the U.S., and decided, in all good conscience that I had to try them out first before giving them to her. No problem, as I bought two packages. Mistake. My family and I ate them all in two days and had to replace them. Fortunately, I had plenty of time before the gift was needed.
James R bingham
Omg! Hands-down the best cookies I've ever had. Do me a favor. Bite off each end with your teeth like Australians do and suck your coffee or tea hot through the cookie like a straw. Eat it quickly right after because it will go to Melt. Transcendental Experience! Yum Yum
Jayne
I love Tim Tams. They are the cookie of the gods that us mere mortals have been blessed with. Thank you Tim Tam gods. Thank you.
Or do you hate Amazon and prefer Walmart? Well guess what, they've got Tim Tams at Walmart too. Really, what's your excuse for not trying these? Here are some reviews from Walmart shoppers who have been converted.
LoveTimTams
OMG! It's about time the USA has gotten these cookies!!! They are wonderful and so delicious and I'm not even a real 'chocolate' liking person. You only need to eat one or two and you are good... but they will leave you craving for more. My husband sent me some from Australia the first time and they were so goooooood!!! Try them, you will like them. Thank you Wal-Mart for brining these to America!! YAY!!! :o)
Josh
They're literally the best cookie out there move along oreo's you ain't got nothing over these incredible Australian gem's.
Cassandra83
I use to only be able to get these from my friends in Australia. Now Walmart carries them so I can splurge and get them in the US as well! They are delicious, and no other cookie (biscuit) compares to them.
Seriously, why haven't you gone out and bought some already?
Store them in the fridge
Some of the bad reviews I did read were going on about how they were melted and gooey: REFRIGERATE THEM. Because Tim Tams have a lush chocolate coating, you have to put them in a fridge or somewhere cool or the chocolate will melt.
It's simple science, don't bad mouth a biscuit with more God status than The Pope because you failed to take proper care in storing them. Shame on you.
Tim Tams are a biscuit you can enjoy on its own, dunk into coffee/tea or do what many Australians do and try a "Tim Tam Slam". Let's get into it, shall we?
Tim Tam Slam
You did refrigerate them, right? Alright, now it's time for you to get a dinky-di Aussie experience by trying a Tim Tam Slam. The rules are simple, bite off a tiny corner on both ends of the Tim Tam.
Now, you have to be quick. Place one of the bitten ends into a cup of tea or coffee and suck the hot (or warm) liquid through the biscuit. Do it fast or the biscuit will collapse and fall into your drink, this might happen on your first go.
These biscuits take on a whole new meaning when you use them as a drinking vessel, a chocolatey biscuit straw that will transport you into a coma of transcendental bliss. Over time as you get better with practice, you drink and then put the biscuit into your mouth and it slowly melts away, it's orgasmic.
In conclusion...
Oreos = overrated.
Image of Tim Tam used from Wikipedia.