Since I was a young man, I have had a rivalry with another master of the Force. Because he chooses to follow the Light side of the Force, he is far weaker than I. He is also much shorter and uglier than I am (which is a real feat considering I have 3rd degree burns over 100% of my otherwise sexy body).
This hideous little creep gets to walk around looking like this and I'm the one who has to wear the mask? He better never raise that finger to my face unless he wants to see how Frodo felt!
This little weasel didn't even want me to get trained in the Force when I was a youngling. He thought my teacher and I were both too young. He was convinced things would turn out bad.
What an idiot!
Look at me. I'm awesome. No. I'm beyond awesome. I'm beawesome! Aside from the whole slaughtering an entire village of Sandpeople, and a bunch of younglings, and my wife, and my best friend/teacher and falling into lava and being burnt to the point where I'm more machine than man now... things are perfect!
Who wouldn't want to be this? #Beawesome!
Anyway, Kermit the Jedi is simply taunting me now. He said I was too old to learn about the Force... yet right now as I send this transmission, he is training that whiny farm boy who caused all that damage when he escaped from the Death Star. That little brat is twice as old as I was. Yet not only is he training him, he's letting little blondie live with him. What a hypocritical little toad!
Not only is he training that annoying nitwit, that hairy-eared little goblin has the gall to transmit a musical number rubbing it in my face. Yeah he claims that it is a bout "seagulls" but that is just code for "Sith Lord". He knows better than to start a musical beef with me by directly saying my name... but it's pretty obvious that he is talking about me. Just listen and replace the word "seagulls" with "Sith Lord". You'll see. Here it is...
See what I mean?
If anyone knows the whereabouts of this little gremlin, please contact my assistant Vera (who is an absolute peach) so I can ghost his sorry, little, wrinkled, green, wart-covered butt!