It has come to my attention that a representative from your galaxy has begun a campaign to raise funds for the Galactic Empire.
This man is very wise. He has served me well.
He deserves your gratitude for making me hate your galaxy slightly less.
A few days ago this loyal supporter of the Empire crafted this transmission: TRYING TO FIND THAT PERFECT GIFT FOR THOSE HARD-TO-SHOP-FOR PEOPLE --- AND SUCCEEDING LIKE NEVER BEFORE!!!
In this transmission, not only did he honor me, he provided me with invaluable intelligence, and began to raise funds for the Galactic Empire. He should be commended for his efforts. And in the Empire, we recognize all who contribute... even if they are very hairy like him. This is yet another way we are superior to those filthy rebels. I bet if a hairy being had been an integral part of an essential and successful mission, those rebel scum would just pass him over and only provide medals for the humans involved. They would leave him standing there like an idiot. I bet it would look something like this...
Let's see... scruffy looking nerf herder gets a medal. Whiny farm boy gets a medal.
Hairy thing... gets crap!
Anyway, as I was saying, the transmission was sent a few days ago.
I apologize for my late response. It seems that there is a delay in these transmissions that need to travel from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. The IT guy, Dennis, assured me that he had fixed the problem. Clearly he has not. If Dennis were not my assistant Vera's (who is really the only gift I need) brother in law, I would be using the 20 credits I received to pay the "kill jar" so I could force joke that idiot twice (it's 10 Steem per force choke).
This Papa Pepper is very perceptive and has served me well. I was unaware that my hideous, smelly, wrinkled old boss had licensed my likeness without my permission... again. He pulled this crap two other times. Once 40 years ago (for approximately 7 years) and then again 17 years ago (this time for only about 5 years). What a freaking tool!
Of course Lord Vader would love to have his face on your sanitary napkin packages
...for a price.
The moron spends money like a drunken Calrissian on a pleasure barge... and then he wonders why we are broke. He keeps insisting that we build "Death Stars" even though I have repeatedly told him that the power of his precious "technological terror" he has constructed is insignificant next to the power of the Force. And do you know how much the Force costs? Nothing. Zero. Zip. Nil. Nada. But that dipwad still wants to go into debt to build a moon sized space station. Now if he were spending the money on moisturizing lotion, I could at least understand and appreciate that. Some mints would also be nice.
He finally completed the project except for one minor detail. There is no cover for the thermal exhaust port! So we need to raise money to buy one. Do you know how many exhaust port covers the Force needs... NONE!
What a doofus.
Anyway, back to Papa Pepper's discovery.
Over the past several months, the Empire has tried numerous ways to raise funds or cut expenses. We have tried:
- Hiring independent contractors.
- Renting out rooms in the Death Star...then ripping off those tenants.
- Borrowing money then refusing to pay it back.
- Starting a for-profit Sith training academy.
None of these have worked. Our exhaust port is still as wide open as a Rancor keeper's mouth after watching in shock as a whiny farm boy wastes his giant pet... with a freaking bone!
So it looks like my boss has gone and done it again. He has put my image on anything he can just to make a fast credit. I keep saying it, but one day I'm going to throw that Shar Pei-looking scumbag down an unnecessarily long shaft.
It looks like I need to have a meeting with the human resources director in order to discuss this...
