Dear Facebook, YouTube, Apple, Google, Instagram, Snapchat (and subsidaries thereof and all other Social Media or other sites hereafter ever invented throughout the universe, in perpetuity),
Here are my terms & conditions for using your service,
Clause 1: Consideration
[1.1.] I will NOT read your terms and conditions. Herein referred to as "BS T&Cs".
"B" shall be construed to mean "Bull" and
"S" shall be construed to mean that brown stuff that comes out of a Bulls behind.
[1.2.] For avoidance of doubt and to reaffirm 1.1, I will NEVER EVER read YOUR terms and conditions. NEVER. Because you have no consideration,
(i) your BS T&Cs are impossible to read and
(ii) there simply are not enough hours in the day to read your BS T&Cs.
(iii) If I were to read your BS T&C, I will make it my duty to pick the bones out of it with a fine tooth comb. And if I find any skeleton's in said BS T&Cs, I will make it my business to comb through the bone at the back of your head with a fine ice-pick!
Clause 2: Improper conduct
[2.1.] Woe betide ANYONE that quotes BS T&Cs to me when I'm questioning a "BS move".
- "BS move" shall be construed to mean, any move that a reasonable right thinking person would say "I can't believe they tried to pull that bullshit!"
[2.2.] For example, should Instagram ever decide to use pictures of my two little girls in their ads (because the BS T&Cs say so), I wish god speed to whomsoever utters the words 'but-it-says-we-can-in-the-terms-and-conditions'. As I reserve the right to hang the said Exec upside down from a 24th floor balcony by their ankles. You can catch your BS T&Cs on the way down.
Clause 3: Selling
[3.1.] Sell my data at your own risk!
[3.2.} I have read Future Crimes. I know you sell my data. Yes Facebook... I'm talking to you. Just don't let me CATCH you selling my data. Else I will Book-end your Face with my fist, Mr Zuckerberg!
Clause 4: Stealing
[4.1.] Steal my work at your own risk!
[4.2.] For example, should Google ever decide to 'exercise its right' to use anything I send to or from a gmail account (Because Googles BS T&Cs purport to own the copyright). I will exercise my right boot up the goolies of the named Google Exec that makes that call.
Clause 5: Notices
[5.1.] Ignorance of my terms and conditions is no excuse for not obeying them. These terms shall be implied into any website or social media platform I sign up to.
[5.2.] Nothing shall excuse YOU (the social media site) from adhering to these terms and condition, herein and forever etched on the Steem Blockchain.
Clause 6: Warranties
[6.1.] I warrant not to be a dick.
[6.2.] You warrant not to be an ass.
[6.3.] That way no-one gets fucked.