Like everyone, I've heard quite a few jokes in my lifetime. Some are good, some are great, but some, are pure excellence. Here are 3 of my favourites. Enjoy!
1. Eduard Shevardnadze
George Bush and Mikhail Gorbachev are having a meeting. After the meeting is over, George Bush says to Gorbachev, "Mr. Gorbachev, can I ask you a question?" Gorbachev says yes. "How did you find such a good Vice President? I tried, and I got Dan Quayle!" Gorbachev laughs and says "I just ask them this question: Who is your father's son?" George Bush says, "What a great idea! What did Eduard Shevardnadze say when you asked him?" "Well he said it was himself of course," said Gorbachev.
Now, George Bush was so inspired by this, that when he got home, he decided to ask Dan Quayle the same question. So, back at the White House, he calls Quayle in for a meeting. When he arrives, George Bush says to him, "Dan, can I ask you a question?" Dan Quayle gets really nervous because he just knows it's going to be some sort of a trick, but of course he can't say no, so he says "sure." "Who is your father's son?" asks George Bush. Dan Quayle starts freaking out because of course he has no idea what the answer is. Quickly, he comes up with an idea. "I-I have to go to the bathroom!" he says, and leaves abruptly. Just as he is walking out, he sees Bob Dole. "Oh, Mr. Dole, thank goodness you're here," he says, "President Bush has just asked me an impossible question!" Bob Dole replies, "Well, what is it?" "Who is your father's son?" So of course, Bob Dole replies, "Well, it's me!" Dan Quayle, immediately understanding, runs back into the oval office where Bush is waiting for him. "Well?" asks George Bush, "Who is your father's son?"
And Dan Quayle exclaims, "It's Bob Dole!"
George Bush puts his head in his hands and says, "No, Dan. No it's not. It's Eduard Shevardnadze."
2. The Brick
Once upon a time there was a man, let's call him Bob, who wanted to build a house out of bricks. So, Bob spent an entire day mapping out the house and calculating exactly how many bricks he would need. He checked, and he double checked, and he found that he needed 10,501 bricks. So, the next day, off he went to the hardware store. When he got there, he asked the person working there to get 10,501 bricks. But the person said, "Well, we only sell them in packs of 500, so I can give you 10,500 bricks, or 11,000 bricks." But Bob said, "Well, you know, I only really need that one brick, but it is necessary, I checked." The worker didn't quite know what to do. He wanted to help the man, but at the same time, he didn't want to lose his job. So, in the end, he called the manager.
After a little while, the manager showed up and said, "What seems to be the problem here?" Bob spoke first. "Well, I just wanted to buy 10,501 bricks, but this guy here won't let me." Of course the manager said, "Well that's because we can't do it." So they argued and argued until finally the manager gave up, opened up a package of bricks, and gave Bob the one brick to complete the 10,500 other bricks.
Finally, Bob was able to build his house. He worked all day and all night, and the next morning, he finally put the last brick on top of the house. He climbed down the ladder, whistling to himself with satisfaction until he noticed something. There was still a brick on the ground. Just one. At this he flew into a rage, and picking up the brick, hurled it over his shoulder!
3. The Bus
Once upon a time, on a very hot summer day, there was a very crowded bus. On this bus was a woman with a small dog, and a man with a cigar in his mouth. Now, being very uncomfortable already, the woman was quite exasperated with the cigar smoke and very much wished to tell the man off. Meanwhile, her dog was yapping away, and the man with the cigar was getting very irritated, almost to the point of saying something, but not quite. So, they sat in silence like this for a little while. But as the bus ride went on, they both became increasingly angry, until the woman had to say something. So she said to the man, "If you don't put that cigar out, I'll take it and throw it out the window!" The man, indignant, replied, "Well, you'd better not do that, because then I'd throw your dog out the window!" The woman was taken aback and sat back down. So they both sat in silence, not daring to do anything. But as the bus got hotter, they both got angrier, until finally the woman couldn't take it any longer and said, "That's it, I've had it!" And she grabbed the cigar out of his mouth and she threw it out the window! The man said, "I told you what I'd do!" And he grabbed the woman's dog and threw it out the window, too! The woman screamed. "Stop the bus, stop the bus!" She pulled frantically at the stop cord until finally the bus stopped. She ran to the front of the bus, down the stairs, only to find her little dog running back to her. And guess what the dog had in its mouth.
The Brick.
To all those who made it to the end of this post, thanks for reading! I promised 3 jokes, so here, for those who made it through, is a short bonus joke:
4. Brezhnev
One day at Red Square in the Soviet Union, a man shouted, "Brezhnev is an idiot!"
Of course, he was arrested for this, and his sentence was 15 years in prison: 5 for speaking against the leader, 10 for betraying a state secret.