Always be yourself. Unless you can also be a unicorn. In that case, always be a unicorn.
If a man said he'll fix it, he'll fix it. There is no need to nag him every 6 months about it.
Chocolate doesn't ask any questions. Chocolate simply understands.
Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys this year? It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety
Commission.Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You're making a scene."
Kid: I want a dragon for Christmas.
Santa: Be realistic.
Kid: Ok, I want a loyal girlfriend.
Santa: What color dragon do you want?
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
I did a self-defense course. I wouldn't recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion now.
I wanted to tell you a joke about leeches. But I won't – they all suck.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service.