Alcohol won't solve your problems, but It can give you an interesting set of the new ones.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
I don't have a short attention span, I just... Oh, look a squirrel!
I always arrive late to work, but I make up for it by leaving early.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.
Let your smile change the world. Don't let the world change your smile.
New Year's Eve forecast: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
hahahha