I was raised as a Catholic. It was a religion that grandparents on the both sides of the family were in and perhaps they influenced my parents to continue the tradition.
So we went to the church on every Sunday. Of course it was super boring for a kid. So I was asking my mother about time all the time. When it’s gonna be over? Also leaving out of my body disgusting silent farts.
If I didn’t practice mindfulness and trying to listen, I went into my inner world in church. In my fantasy world. I would just need to stand up here and there, otherwise I was in peace to think about boys I liked and about the books I read in search for answers to questions in my head.
Yes, questions. On those weekly meetings we kids had with a priest, where they were teaching us about bible and god and Jesus and all of that jazz, I was perhaps a pain in the ass (questions) and at the same time a blessing (I was actually listening).
The thing that really didn’t go into my little head was that concept of Heaven and Hell. And that people who accept Jesus, go to Heaven. So you say that people who never heard of Jesus will all go to Hell after they die? And what about all the good people who don’t believe in God, but they do good things all the time (like my beautiful teacher in school did, she was really a teacher with brain, heart and power). What kind of God would send her to Hell, just because she doesn’t believe in Jesus as her saviour? I didn’t like that God.
And also, if God was omnipresent and he knew everything about everything, past, present future… wasn’t him who allowed the snake to convince the Eve in the garden of Eden to try that fruit? Or maybe he wasn’t that omnipresent Mr. Know it all after all.
And how about not knowing that his favourite angel, that he created, will make a war against him? And how about that this angel that then turned into Devil, is still working for God. I mean, if people who were not good enough to go to heaven after they die, go to hell, which is Devils realm, aren’t those two a team?
And what about all other religions? Aren’t they all teaching the same thing in their core? Love. Golden rules. Love each other.
So I realised quite fast that perhaps it’s all the same god, just different names. And stupid people killing each other because they don’t see it’s the same, just different name.
There was a movie, Stigmata. I’ve watched it on television as a teenager. There was that period in which I kinda enjoyed horror movies and that seemed like one. At the end of the movie, there were words from Gospel of Thomas, which made my heart sing.
“The Kingdom of God is inside/within you and all around you, not in buildings/mansions of wood and stone. (When I am gone) Split a piece of wood and I am there, lift the/a stone and you will find me.”
This also went together with esoteric things that I started to carefully indulge in once a week through newspaper rubric, with a few pages, that was there once a week. There were things like astrology, witches, fairy stuff, connection with Nature, etc. Carefully, because in church they said this is all devil’s work.
I decided to study philosophy after high school. It seemed like a perfect thing for me at the moment that I’m gonna do with a left hand, perhaps find some answers that I am searching for (and still have time for me)… yet I left the studies very fast (I mean, homework, are you kidding me?). The teachers seemed like frustrated people. In four years, I didn’t want to become like them. And I was craving for synthesis, not extra analysis of everything.
I started attending spiritual university. Little did I know there’s gonna be even more philosophy, haha, that at times hurt my head with all the informations. But thanks god there was also meditation. So there was some balance between analysis and synthesis.
There were also a lot of things that if I knew in advance that I’m gonna learn there, I am not sure if I would sign up. I would think that these people are perhaps nuts. Even though they were very peaceful, funny and smart. I was so grateful when doubt was actually encouraged. And I could ask shit ton of questions without being ridiculed for having questions or seen as an enemy or threat. No need for a blind faith.
Anyway. Those things that I learned there about energy, had certain names. This was super analytical, precise, distinctive, but with names that seemed funny to my logical brain. I could sense these things through our exercises, but my mind wanted to know more.
I am still researching those things as I learn more about biology and human body. I have a friend, she is a biology genius (that girl is going to get a Nobel prize, I tell you), very scientific yet open at the same time and talking with her is pure pleasure, for both of us, I think (me hungry for her knowledge, she happy to talk about it). I just remembered now I need to contact her. She is researching the brain of meditants from her scientific point of view.
Anyway, to drive the point home. What I want to say to you with whole this story of mine is this:
We are all searching for answers. In different ways. And sometimes we give different names to things we find out, but we are talking about the same thing. Let’s connect through that thing instead of fighting because of different names we give to that thing, shall we?
Oh, and heaven and hell are in our minds.