Self-Talk and a New Life

This is how I'm changing my life from stuck to getting somewhere. In my "re-introduction" post, I told you all about my health problems, and that I was struggling not to feel like a failure.

In February, my doctor told me I had dangerously high blood sugar, high cholesterol, low iron, and low thyroid. That really freaked me out. I couldn't believe there was so much wrong with me, on top of the asthma and depression/anxiety I already knew about. I immediately set out to fix this. I almost as immediately realized how incredibly hard it was to completely change my eating habits when comfort food was my go-to for feeling down/frustrated/irritable/anything negative at all.

Feeling dissatisfied? All Dressed chips!

Had a bad day? McDonald's McNugget meal!

Overtired? Dairy Queen's mocha Moo-Latte!

Depressed? Mr. Christie peanut butter cookies!

(Ok, I have to stop. My mouth is watering.)

Somewhere between February and today, I realized that half my battle was the monologue I’ve been listening to in my thoughts for as long as I can remember. I’ve burned myself out into a shell of a human being. I’m afraid to write, to create, to try at all, because I’m convinced I’ll fail, or that I can be content with this bare-minimum existence because it's easier.

I’m afraid of the consequences if I change the status-quo of my life. Change could make my life better, but it might also make it worse. Who can really say, until I take that leap of faith? And I’m not good at facing the unknown. In fact, I downright suck at it. (See the waterslide of death for hard evidence.) Just trying an avocado for the first time was stressful, never mind avocado on toast. (Turned out to be delicious, by the way.)

I was struggling already with the new lifestyle, so I kind of pushed away the fact that I’ve literally been letting life pass me by. Like I said, I’m 27 and I’m pretty much the opposite of the adult I pictured myself being as a child; and here I am, playing the victim! As if the universe did this to me.

I don't really know what the tipping point was, but at one point this summer, I was so angry and bitter and irritable, I could hardly stand myself, let alone anyone else. Something more had to change than just my diet and exercise.

I spent a solid weekend making resolutions, researching, and talking with my parents. At the end of the weekend, I had decided to go back to school. Sort of. I’ve officially enrolled in a two-year, online accounting ‘career diploma’ program. This was to alleviate the feeling of being trapped in my current life, since I'll be more qualified to work for companies other than my current employer, who has trained this arts student from the ground up in anything I currently know about accounting.

I had also decided that I needed to stop being so angry, bitter, and negative. I was spiralling, especially at work, where things were getting increasingly stressful and frustrating. I sent texts to all my fellow admin assistants apologizing for how negative I’d been, and promising them all I was going to stop. (Since I’m the supervisor when the office manager is away, I’ve noticed that my reactions to things heavily influence my coworkers’ reactions. I felt they really deserved an apology!) The next week, with every irritation that struck, I made myself stop and push it away, or minimize it, or reassure myself: it’s not that big a deal; it’s not your problem; it’s going to be okay; it can’t be helped, so let it go.

Perhaps the biggest change was setting up some emotional boundaries. I dug out an old favourite of mine, Boundaries: When to say Yes, How to say No, To Take Control of Your Life, by Drs. Cloud & Townsend. When a work-friend in another department called to ask if I could do a report for month-end (the person who usually did it was gone for the day, and she needed the numbers), I said no. I felt like a terrible person, but I already had my own month-end stress. I couldn’t take on hers as well. Half my negativity disappeared when I started making the effort to put up boundaries, and refused to take on my coworkers’ emotions as if they were mine. Their stress and/or crankiness was not my fault; their work and their reactions were their own responsibility. How liberating!

I had a bit of a setback when I went to visit my brother and sister-in-law during vacation. I had forgotten how much baggage I have when it comes to my relationship with them, and it wreaked havoc on my new resolutions. It’s been almost three weeks since our visit and I'm still recovering my equilibrium. I kind of forgot how I was pushing away other peoples' emotions, and started taking them on again. The irritability came back a bit. I'm glad I started just free-writing this post, because it's actually brought it all back. Yay! The power of the written word!

It continues to amaze me how adaptable my mind and body is, and how susceptible my health is to my own thoughts, both subconscious and conscious. It's hard to believe the grouchy, scowling me from July is the same human being as the buoyant, relaxed me from August; the over-sensitive, jealous me from mid-September is still the same me as the determined, content me right now. Eating pasta and a piece of cake for my birthday had me grouchy and weepy the next day; eating a chocolate bar last night had me oversleeping and dizzy this morning. Everything is so connected!

On that note, I have high hopes for tomorrow because today I successfully followed the detox meal plan for the whole day!! No sugar, no gluten, no dairy! Turns out, I wasn't eating enough of a snack after lunch to make it clear to supper, so I added an apple to my Macca Latte break. It was just the thing. The only flaw to today is that I overslept too much to have the first step of the day (the Hot Lemon Water), and was late for work again. Fingers crossed, I'll have everything down pat for tomorrow.