While writing this blog, I had 2 days, 16 hours to go until the biggest thing to happen to me probably ever.
So it's probably some real honest things I am feeling and thinking 3 days out.
(1)** Fuck Yea**, I can't wait, I am pumped for this, having already lost a fair bit of weight (including 30kg from March) I am so pumped to get this going and start the next stage of my life, I am Happy and excited and ever so committed. While not the complete solution for weight loss, it's an amazing tool with amazing results and I know I have finally changed enough that it is time.
(2) Scared, I know we all feel it, being apart of some gastric groups on Facebook, I have to say the community is awesome in banding together (no pun intended) but of course you can always read the good and bad stories, and while the good far outweigh the bad (again no pun intended) I feel that as humans we have a natural thing to assume the worse case scenario. For me that is death on the table, how ever the one good thing about that is I won't know ... (Least then as agnostic I guess I may get the answer if god is real or not lol) But I don't' want to die on the table, at the same time, if I don't do the operation, then the outcome is no different.
I am worried there might be serious complications, I am worry I may not cope with such a big change (I have been big all my life and really stacked on the weight since high school), but psychologically I have to wonder with such a big change how it will go? I know again some people never look back, others struggle, so it will be an interesting one to know.
(3) Emotional! This really ties in to the first 2 points and maybe more below, I am a range of emotions because I don't know what to expect outcome wise, I am pumped, but I am reserved, I am a pretty big guy at 253kg (and I have 110% trust in my surgeon, if I had a single doubt, I'd have tried to find another surgeon but the highs and lows of such a big change it's certainly not going to be a smooth ride
(4) Mental Change. So I consider myself lucky that as a very big person I still have a very outgoing personality and while I think that won't change, my concern in the mental field is more re-training the brain to better deal with the food situation. For example, in the past I would eat a whole large pizza, I'd feel fine eating it, I'd enjoy it, I love Food! However post surgery Pizza is not going to be a regular food, and on the off chance I decide to have a pizza, I will barely get through a slice, now that might sound.. cool! so what Paul? well good in the past has been a emotional tool, and a bad relationship, I eat anything because I enjoy it and never really worried about the consequences or calories, now post surgery, I want to stay fit, stay healthy and never have to worry about it again.
While I have made some amazing changes (and with meal prepping, we have so many healthy and alternative meals we won't be bored, I just need to keep training myself to eat the right food, enjoy a treat occasionally and not be so tied down with food and fall into bad habits. I have loved my extra time in the kitchen recently and would love to take some cooking classes to even further that skill.
Onward and upwards, no plans to go back and be fat again! Ain't no body got time for dat.
(5) How I am perceived in public, one thing I am looking forward to is not having the little 2-3 year old look at me, turn to his mummy and go "wow mummy, that mans very fat, look mummy he's so fat" to then have the parent embarrassed,me embarrassed and everyone around me act awkward, to be fair the kid doesn't know what they are saying is hurtful or wrong, they are literally just telling us what they see, and for that I can't be mad, but it doesn't mean it is any less painful.
I will also not miss the elderly (especially men) just staring at me, I can't tell you the amount of times I've caught someone staring at say the escalator, and then I have just waved after 10-15 seconds, I love there look away react, like really asshole, get a photo because it lasts longer.
I also won't miss the talking behind my back, one day on the train I had headphones on, and i was pretending to be bopping along to the music, and I could hear a clear conversation about " how does he do X, and I wonder if he can do Y" and completely judging me based on my weight, I nearly did say something as I got off the train, but they'd have laughed and moved onto their next topic.
(6)Social Situations. Currently I am limited in what I do socially, I don't like going out, I don't like going out to dinner with people and i certainly don't like going to events, this is because being morbid obese things are not built for me (as they shouldn't be) but it's hard to go and watch Footy or a movie, go to a concert because it's all too tiring.
And probably the last thing I will touch on.. is goals ahead, one of my goals (more little ones to come later) is to play Aussie Rules Football (Amateur) in a B or C grade team, even if it is just 1 game, I am going to make contact with a club in the future to see if they will have me for training so that I can start to get my skills up and hopefully get a game soon.
Anyways, that is how I am feeling at the moment, it's a mixture of emotions, but overriding and mostly I am pumped and cannot wait for this. LET'S DO IT!
Stay awesome people
Paul