Welcome dear reader 👐
Introlude
I will split 'weight loss' topic on few parts, now I will write only preface.
Writing about it is no easy task for me. Actually never talked/wrote with details how being big was for me. I was preparing to write this post for seven days and still feel like rushing. So last days posted mostly about recipes, to give some healthy and tasty alternatives prior.
What You're about to read seems very sad and depressing, but don't sympathize with me. Now it feels like far away, and long gone. It made me stronger and gave me a beautiful perspective.
I would love to be an example for people suffering as I did, so at the begining of my blog, I will focus on the knowledge I acquired.
For now I will skip childhood and most years of my depression, having plenty of material for future posts. The story begins when my weight peaked at ~136kg (~184cm) in ~2013.
Me recreating polish communist fashion December 2011
Smoking joint in Holland, October 2013
Being so obese had back pain and tired legs every day. Pain was part of the daily basis, like the annoying city background of horning traffic.
I remember once waiting in line at the doctor, I had a regular flu. All chairs were taken, so I had to sit on the ground. I couldn't bear to stand or squat for few minutes. Ground was extremely cold and being sick, I started to caught even harder, while frightening the people in the waiting room.
Depression was blowing hard for 8 years straight.
It felt alone, even when people were around. Still I was constantly searching for new people. When with them I forced myself to smile, because questions like "why are you sad" were the worst. I was searching, despite the fact that I didn't believe that my mindset, or physical body could ever change.
I accepted my size.
I felt like the least important person in the room wherever I was. Completely out of picture, not worthy, not fitting both mentally and physically. Sooner or later I stopped to care for details like being laughed out for having a big butt, or women-like breasts. Because of that passive acceptance it was even harder to lose weight.
I tried many diets, promised to myself, how I would at least try to stop gaining kilos. All failed, because I was eating up my pain and emotions. Not being educated on how to proceed with feelings, or why & how to eat healthy.
My biggest dream was to disappear, romanticizing about it daily.
Thinking about suicide was comforting and calming me, but couldn't see that as real possibility. Seconds later my imagination visualised my funeral and close ones crying - how could I do it to them?
Felt like stalemate, couldn't kill myself, couldn't live.
🤜 Just like that, one day It felt like I had enough.
Couldn't get the girl I wanted, couldn't run anymore, going upstairs made me wet, couldn't fit in my biggest clothes.
It was last time I promised myself something - half of year to get thin at all costs. If I will not feel better than - desired holy suicide time.
Having a deadline and aim I was thinking everyday about it. I used all tips and tricks could find on the internet, on how to lose weight.
I coached myself, radically changed diet & started walking outside for 1-2hours daily, even when extremely tired.
At that moment had only one aim in life, and looked at it daily.
Nothing else mattered, no beta plan - so I succeeded.
With so much success I gained the feeling that I could change whatever I would like to. I can be whomever I wish. This lesson put me on a path of self-improvement & growth.
If I could change so dramatically, I can go for the stars.
So can You, just give Yourself a chance to believe in it.
Thank You for your time, You are important.
| The main reason why I started this blog is to tell my story. |
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| I've grow a lot thru my lifetime and learned things I believe should be taught in primary school, as a human right. |
| Teachings about basic human needs, self-discovery, search for passion, cooperation, need of tribe, love, how to grow, healthy lifestyle for both physical and mental health. |