As I sit next to my softly lit Christmas tree (way too early in the morning), I wonder if this Christmas feels different because we started reading the Bible this year, or if it's because I'm still processing Jon's ambulance ride last month, and wonder if it's our last Christmas together.
How I wish the latter thought would leave my brain. It's so dramatic, and these disturbing thoughts torture me. I love him.
Sigh - I'll start from the beginning...
For the first half of 2021, we carried on as usual - focusing on our family and farm, and hoping our devolving nation (world?) will stabilize. Jon and I took our health more seriously than ever this year, which has naturally progressed as time goes on. Our eating habits, and exercise, resulted in a 50 pound weight loss for Jon. He started this year in the best shape of his life.
Our spiritual growth came in the summertime. Jon and I came from two separate paths, that intersected. I image our paths to be like a "Y". I came down the New Age branch, with a knowing inside me. Or was it wanting? Or needing? Jon came down the psychology branch, with a curiosity to find the logic in all of this. I can't speak too much for Jon on this topic.
Our "Y" merged this summer when we took a little road trip to attend a friend's wedding. We spent 5 days with our beautiful Christian friends, and their families. On our way home we talked about how inspired we are by these families. We were starting to realize that all of the people that we admired were Christians (in real life and online). Were these people always there and we've only just noticed the Christian connections, or were they suddenly flooding into our life? Some of both, I think.
It was a huge revelation. The fruit of this tree was good. We agreed - we should start reading the Bible. For me, after all, it is a spiritual book, and I've read every other spiritual book I can get my hands on. Why not this one? Back in January I impulsively entered a Bible giveaway on instagram. A few weeks later a Bible came in the mail. I had no excuses.
We did, indeed, start to read the Bible. Jon picked up his own King James version and we began comparing and discussing the differences between our translations. The rest of the summer was filled with meaningful conversations with our friends, and we started to attend a small non-denominational Christian fellowship church nearby. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for all of the friendships and community that we have now.
We read books, listened to podcasts, watched sermons, and prayed. Praying - it still feels weird to say that. All these new words I'm trying to understand: sin, repentance, holy, belief, faith, obedience...
This fall became the season of repentance. It took me while to understand what that really means. You hear it all the time, "Repent and turn to Jesus!". I never really gave it much thought, until I began reading the Bible, and I was forced to question everything.
Remember, I came down the branch of New Age, "self love" spirituality, and for what it's worth, I'm a Leo. I had to ask myself if this "self love" belief was wrong. It is, quite literally, selfish. Of course I think it's important to take care of myself - I must, so that I can be of service. However, instead of having the attitude of being good like God, I understand that I am only human, and God is Holy (separate), and I credit God for all of my blessings. I'm done with worshiping myself. I've changed my mind. Repentance.
There is a transformation in all that I've learnt, and yet - still so much to learn. Understanding is one thing. Believing and having faith are another. A death and a birth. What would it mean if I rejected what I know now? Or do I accept?
Here I am. Here we are. How we are.
Then came the awfully unethical (political and economical), mandatory covid injections - a threat to everything, except my love for Jon and our family, and friends. The fall and winter of this year has been a journey through the five stages of grief and I don't think I'm done yet.
Read about our experience with the mandatory covid injections, and Jon's reaction: The Truth About How We Are (2021) - Part TWO: Mandatory Injections
Merry Christmas, friends.
-Lots of Love, Emily