This has been something that has come with me my entire life, something that I never truly acknowledged, understood or accepted for the great gift it is.
I have always had this thing about truth, expecting absolute truth from everyone I met or dealt with, over the years, that thing with truth became warped, i started being dishonest, I started denying the truth, my truth, the truth of the world and just truth in general, safe to say this lead to trust issues, trust issues which were already existent, though exacerbated by this denying of truth and dishonesty within myself, this issue with trust became an ugly beast, tainted with insecurity, marred by pain, stained with dishonesty. It became a force that ruled, that overtook many things in the day to day.
To such a point where there was so little trust in others that i broke the trust i had in myself, that I would do the thing that i trusted myself to not do, before the other party could get to do the thing I trusted them not to do.
This distrust of self opened the road wide for all manner of other beasties to make their way to the surface, paved the way for shame to rear its head and manifest into reality, shame suppressed will make itself know through acts that lead to further shame, thus building a mountainous monster of itself that is not easily slain. Shame is but one of these beasts, these demons that overruled function, that overshadowed authenticity. Another of the beasts very prevalent with this lack of trust in oneself is fear, the all mighty ever present fear, powerful bastard this one is, dragging along many of the other beasts simply as a show of force, fear holds shame, mistrust, dishonesty, guilt, insecurity all on chains that it drags behind itself, ensuring that you know its name, know that all these things behind it are of it, fear based living is not living at all, it is cowering, slinking from shadow to shade to avoid this that or the next, fear based survival drowns out authentic living, living in light and love. Many believe the opposite of love to be hate, i would say that they are wrong, that which directly opposes love is fear, that which kills love is fear, love can still be present in most other emotions, though there is very little space for love when all else is fear.
Fear stops one from expressing love, it stops one from feeling love and loved, it stops one from seeing love even though it might be all around you.
A friend made me wise to this, we discussed how society has convoluted so much of what is essential to human existence, I, as an example, told her that even though I do love her dearly as she is an old and trusted friend and our connection has always been that of support and genuine friendship, I am unable to tell her that directly because of how it could be misconstrued by her or others present, she then pointed out that it was fear that held me back from expressing this platonic love, fear of that which society has imparted to us, that love is only shared in romantic relationships, that love is only expressed with the expectation that it gets returned.
This brought pause to my thoughts, it made me think on how badly fear has controlled so many of my and others actions throughout life. It made me realise something about myself and how i interact with and show up in the world. I am a being of love, true unconditional love, I yearn to show that love to the world, I long to be able to express my love openly. Fear has held me from doing so.
There are few exceptions to the degree with which love is expressed and shared, for instance the love I have for my wife is a love that none other in the world will ever experience, that in my heart none other in the world is deserving of, I know that this may sound contradictory to the notion of unconditional love, though it is not, there are no conditions to the love I give, though I do reserve the right, as it is after all my own love I am sharing, to decide how much love I express to certain people and things. The love I have for my daughter again differs from that which I have for my wife, though if one were to weigh the two they would come out equal in measure, they are still two different kinds of love, the love I have for my wife is a deep, passionate, intimate, intense, undying and unending love, where as the love I have for my daughter is a love of ultimate nurturing, guidance, yes, undying and unending, as well as far more innocent, pure in a sense, not that the love I share or express toward anyone is not pure, the purity of love one has for ones children is something entirely different and damn near impossible to express in words alone, one needs song, magic to truly express that love and purity.
The same goes for the love I have for my wife, the few words used in attempt to describe the love fall terribly, horribly short of the truth of the feeling, no love song in existence does it justice, no romance ever written truly captures the feeling in its entirety and essence, nature and divinity alone knows, the universe itself would have trouble expressing the truth of that love.
I digress, though there is sincere truth in the matters of love and how one expresses it, it is not the truth beyond words that I was intending to get at.
Back to the fear and its impact on love, because of being so fearful and plagued by the fear of what isn’t what might be and what if, I have neglected, I am sure I am not the only one, to express love when it was present in the moment, there are people that never got a message of love, a hug of love or any such because I was dominated by fear, as I write this I feel regret seeping in, I remind myself that the universe unfolds as it should, I now know of my own unconditional love, I know that it has place and time both of which are no longer tainted by fear.
This truth, the truth of fear, the truth of love are truths beyond and behind words, there are parts of us as humans, beings of love that know the truth without a single word needing to be spoken, that know the truth even if deception is present, our intuition guides us, our gut tells us the truth of matters, we need but listen, we need only find that voice, beyond the trauma and turmoil, past the fear and uncertainty, we need only listen and find the voice of our eternal wisdom.
I am finding my voice and way with words again, this may seem a bit disjointed, I am finding again my way with words and strength in story telling.
This is my own writing and my personal experience as well as my personal journey and opinion.
All images are my own work, without exception.
I do hope it helps someone in need.
Ro.