Today I'm going back to Stockholm by train. It's actually snowing outside right now so I hope the train ride will be hassle-free (far from something you can trust in Sweden unfortunately, but well, in these covid-times I haven't heard much about delayed or cancelled trains). Things are different from how they used to be, good or bad.
I haven't really done much here at my mom's. And I'm a bit ashamed to say so but I haven't cooked at all and hardly helped out with the dishes. This is actually not the way it usually is when I visit my mom. But I have been so tired. Have slept for like 10 hours a night and still spent most of the days on the couch. But I have been out for a daily walk and I have done some yoga. And I have taken a couple of sauna baths, I love sauna baths since I'm more or less always cold. I could stay there forever it feels like.
I celebrated Christmas with my mom and my youngest autistic brother. His autism is severe. I always get a bit upset when someone tells me in a half-serious way that they think they might be a bit autistic. Of course, it's a spectrum and many autistic people are high-functioning. That's not the case with my brother. I haven't really written much about him because I don't want to expose him but it has affected me so much this week to see him like this. He's not doing good. He's angry and doesn't want to do anything. For many years he has been obsessed with death and it seems to never end. He wants to know what happens after death. He wants someone to tell him and he wants a clear answer, a guarantee. This is normal for us in the family and has for sure made us think about these questions a lot throughout the years.
It breaks my heart to see my helpless brother so unhappy. So haunted by his own brain, which doesn't function the way he wants it to. It also brings some perspective to my own 'problems', how easy things are for me in comparison. And since life is a bit restricted around my brother (I can't watch any videos/movies/TV, listen to music, and I must have my phone muted to give you an idea) there's also an opportunity for reflection.
And I actually realized during this week that I have some work to do around worthiness. Worthiness has been something we have been working on a lot in the coaching program. That it's so common, especially for women, to not feel worthy of love. I haven't really understood this for myself, 'of course I feel worthy of love' I have thought throughout the whole year, that's not my issue. But it actually finally clicked for me on the very last coaching forum call with my teacher Layla Martin. She got a question from someone about how to deal with disappointments in a relationship. When you actually not getting what you want. She said it's important to feel into what's a deal-breaker for you. That there's a fear for many women to draw a line in the sand and require things. To say 'this or nothing' and really mean it genuinely. This is about worthiness. To state your needs and feel that you deserve to have them met. And if not, you leave the relationship.
Actually, for me, what surfaced this week, was a friend who has made me really disappointed. I don't know why this felt so present now, my disappointment 'happened' months ago so to say. But now, I realized I put up with things I'm not happy about. Because I like her. And I tend to do that with someone I really like. These people are so rare I feel so yes, I do. I'm almost ashamed to admit this. And in my defense, I should also say that I have 'broken up' with friends in the past. Friends who hurt me. So I'm not saying I'm taking all kinds of shit. But I realize I have some more work to do around this and also to define what's a deal-breaker with this particular friend. And of course, to let her know how I feel.
It also had a big impact on me when a new friend in Stockholm told me that he doesn't accept at all when people are late. He's always on time (so am I) and if someone is late without a 'valid' reason that's just a no-go for him. I do feel disappointed when someone is late because I see it as a lack of respect, but I don't know...I haven't ended a relationship because of it. What struck me was that he was so clear about this. Like it didn't matter who it was. If you're late, you're late, and then it's goodbye. Same 'rules' for everyone.
To summarize before I have to pack my last things and get ready to leave for the train station; it's been a quiet week here at my mom's, even if nothing is quiet about my brother. The lack of distractions though made me reflect on the concept of worthiness and now I feel I have a challenging conversation ahead of me with a friend.
All pictures from a walk two days ago with my mom and brother.
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Love and blessings to you all 💚
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