Another busy week has passed, from now on though I'll not have these shifts until midnight, it's back to normal office hours. They have taken a toll, I'm not 20 anymore. But on the other side, I'm not even sure there will be so much work in the coming weeks. My work contract is far from optimal. I'm paid by the hour so they let me know every Monday how much work there will be that week. It's a bit hard to plan like that but it is what it is.
I know I have been writing a lot about my return to Stockholm, mostly so before I was even back here. And since I moved back here about 5 weeks ago I have been working a lot on acceptance. I felt so bad in the beginning about being back and then I got so busy I didn't really have much time to reflect and feel anything really, more than a worry about pushing myself too hard. But at the same time, I also felt that my energy level is way higher than it has been for many years actually. I would say my health is pretty good at the moment. And that's for sure something worth celebrating. But yesterday I had a complete meltdown. I decided I really need to rest for an entire day. And I cried for hours. My body was shaking and I let it release, knowing this was something I had kept a lid on lately. It's challenging to feel this deep pain but I don't shy away from it anymore, I know I have to cycle through it to complete the stress cycle. And I knew this isn't working for me. My body doesn't want to be here, doesn't want to be this busy, doesn't want this cold.
How to deal with a situation - 3 options
I can't remember from where I got this (maybe Eckhart Tolle) but there are 3 ways you can deal with a situation:
- Accept the situation.
- If you can't accept the situation, try and change the situation in a way so you can find acceptance.
- If that's also not possible, there's one option left: leave the situation.
I have been working on acceptance since I got back here but it's obvious to me now that it isn't working. My whole being is screaming that it doesn't want to be here. I could try and change the situation somehow here and that might help me to feel differently about this place. But I don't think it's worth the effort. No, it's time to leave the situation. I never thought I would move back here but well, this year I have been going through a lot, and with the whole Covid situation and all the uncertainty, I decided to give it a try, to return here. After all, this flat is my last financial security after having spent the last 4 years hardly working at all. In a way, it feels like it's crazy to sell this flat given the financial situation I'm currently in, but it's not worth keeping it. I'll never thrive here. And thriving is what I'm working towards. I'm done living in a mediocre way, I'm going after all of my desires and I also know you have to be brave and take a lot of risks to achieve that.
I'll start the process of selling my flat, this will take a couple of months (at least) so I'll not leave immediately. And I'll come up with a new plan for my life.
I feel grateful for the journey so far and that I keep showing up for myself the way I do. And I'm curious what the Universe has in store for me next š
Interestingly enough I received a suitable Present Moment Reminder from Eckhart Tolle today in my inbox (I get these every day but varies how receptive I am to them).
Stess is caused by being 'here' but wanting to be 'there'
ā Eckhart Tolle
I don't know where I want to be yet but I do know that I don't want to be here so that's a start. Now I can start to think about here I actually want to be. Of course, you can think about this in so many ways but for me, it's also about the physical place, that's just a big question mark at the moment. What I want in other terms is more clear to me so I guess that can serve as guidance in my search for a new home (it's not Sweden, that I know).
Thanks for reading š
Love and blessings to you all š
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