It hasn’t been easy to write. I’ve been battling with some of the darkest things inside me, twisting myself into knots and untangling again. I can’t even say I’m making progress, I really don’t know.
On the outside everything is as it has been for the past year or so. I am in a stable mindset, but it doesn’t really mean I’m OK.
I’ve heard this word “shadow work” before and I’m not really sure what it means but it sounds a lot like what I’m doing. I’ve been forced to face my mortality many times usually in not so magnificent ways. Not knowing how to make it through the next week, body doing things it’s not supposed to do, careful observations of all that could go wrong, as well as some things I have no desire to talk about.
One thing I always finds helps me overcome any hardship is to find the fear that relates to it and sit with it. I don’t only face the fear but I accept it completely. It’s not as easy as it sounds, and I don’t think it sounds particularly easy.
Aside from it being emotionally trying, the biggest challenge is sometimes find the fear. These days I’m working on fears which have already embedded themselves so deeply that they aren’t easily recognizable as fears. There are dramas that overlay them, most of these things are not things which I currently fear but which a past version of myself still fears inside of me.
I’ve tamed most of the fears that I could identify and a few which were not so easy to spot. Now I’m digging deeper than I’ve ever been to understand some of the things which have lingered since before most of my memories, some which may have even been passed down to me through generations or lifetimes.
These old stories still have an influence over my thoughts and behavior, and it’s almost as if I have to step outside of time to face them.
In the past when I set out on similar endeavors, my heart was racing, I felt terrified. These days, that fear of fear has been replaced by a kind of sadness and mourning. It’s hard to say for what. The closest I can get to expressing it is... I’m mourning myself.
As this all goes on I’m still facing the possibilities that my best days in this body are behind me. I haven’t lost all hope yet, but it’s a very real possibility, more real than anyone knows. There are some things I only share in part, because I don’t enjoy trying to make people understand, and don’t see the value in repeating this process when this is something only I can solve.
I still have hope, and that’s why I’m still here. But for the past few days, and every now and then I put that hope aside and see what I can learn by sitting in darkness, see if I’ve there is something useful hiding in there. I face despair and let it sink in, because that is the only way to overcome it, to accept it and at the same time decide not to give in to it.
If despair is all that’s left for me, I’ll still be glad to have lived this life. But I’m still ready to do anything I can to see beyond it, to love whatever there is to love and enjoy whatever there is a o enjoy and create what I can create.
My fire still burns and has fuel to last through this, but it will be kept at a low flame to last as long as it needs to until that more fuel arrives, just like that old ancestral story I learned as a kid.
I’ve put many things on hold for the past week and may continue on this hiatus for a few more weeks. I need to learn peace again, peace that can stand the highest highs and the lowest lows.
I do not need pity or concern, I am just on a path that all of us end up on eventually, in this life or the next. I do welcome love and friendship and maybe even some conversation if I can manage it.
I’ll be around but I am pretty sure I will continue to disappear for days at a time. That’s just how it is.
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