If we are being honest with ourselves…

What kind of things hide behind the surface of our own awareness?

I’m a very positive dude. At least that’s how I come across. If you knew all the thoughts I think you might not see me the same way, and yet my positivity is real.

It takes a shitload of work to be this positive, at least when you come from a history of struggle and depression. The work can be fun, but it has to be done.

What kind of work?

Well I dig. I dig into all of my thoughts and emotions to discover where they come from. What experiences led me to feel that way or believe this or that?

I can be positive now at 13:33 but 3 hours ago I was feeling like shit. I woke up just tired and not wanting to show up for class.

In the past I would have cursed my work but because I’ve been playing this game for a while and I’m rather good at it, I thought “well, I like my students and after 3 hours I can take a break until night time…maybe I’ll even feel more energized after my class”

Sure enough I felt energized after my class. Tuesday I meet two groups of women in their 60’s and 70’s. Unlike the university students and company employees, they are learning entirely because they want to travel and because they want to keep their mind sharp. 3/7 of the members of two groups have actually travelled extensively, one having been to over 80 countries.

We can talk about anything. Even though they are in an age group which is stereotypically close minded, and even though I catch them saying close minded things sometimes, they are very accepting of people they like and so I get away with challenging their notions sometimes, without challenging them directly.

So 3 hours with these two groups, as with many of my solo students, can leave me feeling more energized. I realized this when my workload was decreased because of corona. I love this work, so long as I can reject problematic or unenthusiastic students and so long as I limit it to 4 hours of class at a time.

Aren’t I lucky?

And so I feel quite good now despite having felt like shit just a few hours ago. Nothing fundamental changed about my life. Bitcoin is still looking like shit, even though I was planning on cashing out my final reward for holding this long at high prices a few weeks ago…. Not cashing out now. Even though I’m still concerned about the building pressure of new tuition fees and new business expenses.

Nothing has changed at all.

I’m still in limbo. And I’ve been in limbo for years now and frankly I’m tired of being in limbo. But I know how to manage my focus and so I can still not only function but constantly improve both my situation and my outlook.

As difficult as things may be, they’ve only gotten better. I’m tired of my health issues too but even those have improved in the last 2 years when they were getting worse and worse prior to that.

If I was just walking around forcing myself to be positive, I would have crashed 1000 times over. The unpleasant feelings are real. They still pop up. The challenges are not just real, they are shouting in my ear most of the time.

I know many people who become numb to them in their attempt to be positive, thinking that’s how the law of attraction works. But our subconscious mind is far more powerful than our conscious mind and it is not fooled so easily.

So the first step is to acknowledge the discomfort, the despair, the lethargy, the lack of enthusiasm. From there where can choose a destination, a focus that serves us in moving towards a better situation.

If we don’t admit where we are, we can’t calibrate to where it is we want to go.

(Only semi related but This dude knows what I’m talking about. He is happily living with a family we introduced him to after some time in the streets.)

🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎