ecoTrain's QOTW
Always comes to me at the right moment, although I missed answering the previous question, this week I started writing as soon as I read the question. In case you're wondering where to find it, here it is. Below you can find the things that I need to let go of or recently let go of.
Letting go of fear to let love in again
No, I didn't find another partner, this one will stay until the end :) but I did manage to finally break through some fears and make room for positive vibes again. This is about my mother, I hadn't spoken to her directly for almost 5 years now and this was with good reason. Not that I didn't want to speak to her or didn't want to let her know about our lives, but simply because fear took the best of me and I didn't want someone from the past to find out any data about me. I know she's often sloppy leaving her phone around, or writing down people's phone numbers/address leaving the address book on the table for others to check out. I can't blame her because she's also depressed often and I knew I could not expect her to always make sure my data is safe when that person visits her.
Drastic measures but with good reason
I took a very drastic decision at the time and only spoke via her friend once in a while to let her know we're ok and send some pics of our daughter. It may look stupid for an outsider but honestly, I'm so glad I followed my gut feeling that I should be very careful.
Recently, I contacted her directly, with another phone number and phone, just in case. The things she told me confirmed that I still have to be careful and indeed I was right that this malicious person would not stop anytime soon. For most people, 5 years later, this would have been a done deal and be enough reason to be sloppy again, but honestly, I would not be safe, so reason enough to follow my gut feeling even 5 years later.
Good for the both of us
My mother is very happy to speak to me directly as she's contacting me daily and I try to do the same, after all, we're not getting any younger and I'd hate for her to pass and regretting to not have spoken to her for such a long time because of fear. The fear is legit, but it was time to break some cycles and let love be the stronger feeling. I'm proud and grateful that I found the strength to break the this cycle and let love rule!
I already noticed that my mother is much more awake than she was 5 years ago, she's also more positive and even send me a very sweet app to tell me she's sorry about some things from my childhood. I forgave her and I hold no grudge anymore. I love her and I'm glad to be in touch again. I let go of the fear and took matters into my own hands again, bringing instant relief and reward as she's adding positivity to my life now instead of heavy emotions and not being able to move on from the past.
I need to forgive myself
There are a few things that I hold myself responsible for, while I know that's not very fair to myself and holding me back a lot because these emotions of feeling guilty can way heavy on a person. My emotions from this come and go, they're always there in the background, weighing on me, and mostly in my hips for the past months. My body holds the emotions and I can't let them go easily. Sometimes I have a day or even few days that I cry my eyeballs out, even while typing this, my emotions get the best of me. I allow myself to cry, it cleanses the soul at least a little bit.
I know that as long as I will hold myself responsible in the way that I have been doing until now, I will never be truly happy. I also know that I'm on the right path of healing and slowly with every month that passes, I notice things get a little easier and I even gain some new insights that help me remind myself of the actual cause of the situation that weighs on me. To help myself with this, I started writing about this again, not for the world to read, but for myself.
I guess it will take some more time to go over everything again in my mind so that I will eventually be able to tell myself with confidence that I did what I needed to do and it's ok, I had no choice and I have to focus on the future, letting go of those feelings that can literally drag me down (with body aches/mental state) if I allow this to drag on me forever.
I deserve to be happy and let go of these feelings
Writing that last sentence felt like such a relief, and I said it with confidence to myself and I mean it. This is good, at least I know that I deserve to move on from all of that..
Letting go of unneeded items
This part may seem less important to some, but trust me when I say that clutter is something that can slowly push me towards feeling blocked and not being able to accomplish anything useful anymore. I wish to avoid being dragged into this feeling of feeling overwhelmed looking at "stuff" around me.
For about a year, we've been looking at the rubbish our landlord left in the apartment and I have to say, it has been a true pain to my eyes as we could not leave them anywhere else but in the hallway (yes, you walk right in and see his junk), on the top of the bunk bed (it was piled up!) and in the other corners of our office because his bags filled with blankets (yes, you read it right, he had so many!) were in sight every where in the house. It was nice during the winter to have spare blankets but most weren't used during the winter either.
Recently, he finally picked them up, or should I say he bartered his way into the apartment again by bringing 2 other wardrobes and picking up the stuff. He tried to dump a chair here as well, luckily my boyfriend avoided this.
Suddenly, I have all this space!
And now my brain feels overwhelmed for having so many space inside the closets rather than around them, that I have trouble figuring out what to store where. I have found a few new places for some bigger items that weren't fitting in any closet before, so that's good. But there's still quite a lot to do.
Thankfully, I now know that there will be improvement within the week, so my head can manage the items that are in sight much better, because I know I can do something about it. That alone gives me some peace of mind!
This seems like a good way to end this post.. Namaste!