First, let's define what a "bad mood" is. Then let's talk about how bad mood actually happens in the first place. Finally, I'll finish up by (answering the question 😅 and) sharing with you what I personally prefer to do about it when I find that I'm in a bad mood.
Let's do it!
For me--as someone who works professionally with people and how they're feeling as they navigate life--I would suggest that when we are "in a bad mood" what is happening is that we are experiencing some kind of emotion that feels bad.
It might be anger, as in we are angry with our partner, or our kids, or our friends, or the state of the world. We feel like a boundary is being violated; either our own or someone else's that we care about.
It might be sadness, as in we are sad about something we are seeing, or hearing or experiencing in our lives right now. We feel like the thing that is happening is "bad" and we don't feel like we have any power to stop it.
It might be fear, as in we are afraid that something is going to cause harm to us or someone we love. In this case, we also feel powerless but unlike sadness where there is no direct threat to our life, when we fear feel we actually feel physically threatened.
It might be guilt, as in we feel guilty about something we did that we believe was the wrong thing to do. We might try to make amends, or apologise, or "make up for it" in order to try to feel better.
Or it might be shame, as in we feel ashamed of we are, and we feel like - in that moment - we are just not good enough. This is the most painful and perhaps dangerous of the emotions we might feel when we're in a bad mood because shame causes us to feel like we don't deserve the love of others. It causes us to hide and withdraw and try to cover up the shameful things we have done.
These are the five main "bad feeling" emotions we experience as humans. Pretty much every other emotion that could make us feel like we're in a bad mood is a version of one of these or we might feel a combination of these things at once.
Now, to share how these "bad moods" come about in the first place.
There are three things that are very common misunderstandings when it comes to bad feeling emotions or things that would cause you to feel like you were in a "bad mood":
1. To feel bad (emotionally) means we are almost definitely not in the present moment.
When we are totally and completely present as humans we are capable of experiencing feelings of awe, bliss, love and deep gratitude. You can't be angry at someone if you're totally in awe of how incredible it is to be alive. That means that if we are "in a bad mood" it means that it is extremely likely that we are in our head either replaying something "bad" that happened in the past or we are imagining something "bad" might happen in the future.
2. To feel bad there has to have been a thought or a judgement that came before that (bad feeling) emotion turned up.
Let's look at fear: to feel afraid of something we have to have had a thought that might sound something like, "That person or thing is going to hurt me/my loved one". Until the mind perceives a threat there is no fear. For example, if I've been invited to give a presentation and I have a fear of speaking in public then my mind has thought about a time in the past when I spoke to an audience of people and that thought then creates an emotional reaction.
3. We create our own bad mood.
This one isn't the most popular realisation to have because we like to blame other people for our bad mood. But I'm sure you can see that it is us who creates the thought inside our own mind that triggers the emotional reaction. It is our clever brains that create the chemicals that give us the feeling of being afraid, or angry, or ashamed. We do this to ourselves. Now, we don't do it deliberately. We don't do it consciously. We are not trying to make ourselves feel bad, it happens automatically as part of being human. But here's the best bit... because we create our own bad mood, it means we have the power to change how we're feeling and create a good mood instead!!
And this brings me to what I do when I'm in a bad mood. I hinted at my strategy for dealing with such moods in the title of this post:
I ask myself what I need.
I, like you, need different things depending on the emotion I'm experiencing that is making me feel bad.
When I am feeling angry I usually need space to calm down and often to fully resolve how I'm feeling I need to express why I was angry in the first place. I might take some time alone to process what the issue was really about; does this situation remind me of something in the past that I'm still holding onto? And is it time to let that old, painful memory go?
When I am feeling sad I usually need a cuddle with someone who I feel totally safe with, and often the way I want to express this emotion is by allowing myself to cry. I try to be as present with myself and the part of me that is feeling sad and let her just be sad. This is the fastest way I've found to move through this emotion and actually get out of my "bad mood".
When I am feeling afraid, assuming that I'm not in actual, physical danger, I'll usually use a tool called Emotional Freedom Techniques (aka 'tapping') to calm myself down enough that I can think straight. Then from a more well resourced place, I'll consider whether the thing I'm focused on really is a problem or if I should just push through the fear and do it anyway.
When I'm feeling guilty I look to see if I can apologise and communicate that I really do care about the person that I hurt with whatever "bad" thing I did. If I can see that they forgive me then my guilt vanishes and I see if I can learn from the experience so I don't repeat it. If I can't apologise or effectively make amends somehow, then I do as I mentioned for the sadness above: I give my loving attention and presence to the part of me that feels guilty and see if I can make peace with it.
Finally, when I'm feeling ashamed, I, like everyone else, struggle to deal with it. It's a whopper of an emotion and even with everything I know it's still hard. But I've found some clever hacks to getting myself out of a bad mood if I can see it's being caused by shame. This is so important and so helpful I want to share it as numbered points below:
I recognise and admit to myself that I feel ashamed.
I ask myself if my own best friend was feeling ashamed about this exact same situation would I still be able to love and accept them. (The answer has always been 'yes' for me in every situation).
I go and find someone - a friend, a coach, a confidante - who I trust that I can be completely honest with and I tell them the thing that I'm ashamed about. The reason this is so powerful is that, as long as that person doesn't judge you for whatever this thing is, if they just listen, nod along and say anything gentle or kind or curious, then the shame vanishes.
So really, what I guess I'm saying is that I do a combination of both: I often want time alone to process the emotion and ponder what is really causing the "bad mood" in the first place and then I often want/need to cheer up with the help of someone else. But it's not for them to distract me (usually!) but rather, give me a space to express how I'm feeling and what I found during my processing and pondering time.
Phew! That's it! What a long answer. I guess I was just expressing myself 🤣😛😁
Hopefully in my process of sharing you were able to take something useful away that will help you deal with your own bad moods as and when they happen. This is stuff that I do with my clients in most sessions and I practise these in my own life every day. So if you've read all the way down to this point (yay!) but if you feel overwhelmed then let me bring you back to the one question I ask myself when I'm in a bad mood:
"What do I need in order to feel better right now?"
And then give yourself the thing you need or ask another loving human to support you to resolve the reason you feel that way in the first place.
Caroline 🤗
P.S. I cordially invite Ms 