When I saw this week's Ladies of Hive prompt, it sent my mind spinning. What's one thing you love doing lately? A passion, a new hobby? Not really. Rather, I find myself stuck in the same passions, except stuck ain't the word. I love the things I used to love, and I might tell you more about them sometime soon, but for now, I can't.
I've been neglecting my practice.
Before, whenever people talked to me about needing to get back into yoga, I'd think, secretly, privately, well, what's keeping you? Can't you carve out 10-15 minutes for yourself in the day? MAybe you don't want to. Our certificate teacher had the same attitude - it took seeing it in someone else to understand how unfair it was to approach like that.
I launched into teaching straight away. They say it's good for you. Didn't even wait for my certificate to come through, I was teaching my first class a week before I graduated. For August, I'm looking to teach three classes a week - my regular on Saturday and two new ones on Friday night. It's a lot, especially considering no one in my class has even started teaching, and that's to toot my own horn just a little, except not really.
I push too hard.
Yes, yes, I know. The same old complaint. And I thought it wouldn't happen with yoga. It was supposed to be something fun. It was supposed to be something I could reasonably do while still enjoying it. But of course, old habits die hard, and my little inner tyrant wanted to do it straight away.
I launched the class for Saturday which, up to this point, has been quite unsuccessful. Enter bitterness. Resentment, Frustration. Doubt. Didn't stop me taking on another class, though, and I'm looking forward to the classes on Friday, as they're a partnership with a different studio - quite a fancy one, too! Yay.
Between trying to promote the classes - something I may tell you more about in a different post -- and writing, trying to wrap other things up and trying to also live my own life, I've been stretching myself thin. Feeling like I come up short on all counts that matter. It's tranquil inside my head just now, but only because the monsters like to pretend they're sleeping.
When I agreed on the new classes, I decided it was time to get back to my practice. Funny how easy you lose track. How easily I'd dismiss my friends talking about the struggle of consistency. I thought fuck that, just push yourself. I been physically active, but more, I've been busy. I don't got those 10 extra minutes.
Now, it's painful to see how stiff my body has become, how difficult simple poses are, how easily I ose my balance in the most tranquil of poses. I jolted out of pigeon pose three times this morning. I can't for the life of me keep my head down. There is so much to do, and I'm not doing a very good job of doing it.
When I stepped on the mat and failed, my inner tyrant was ready to attention. Look at yourself. What's this. What have you got worth teaching when you can hardly move yourself. Compassion? Marketable? If not, not interested.
It's not a good way to be.
Even in this, the place where I most need my yogi mind, my inner compassion, my patience, even here, I sometimes fail to show up for myself. It's much easier, always, to castigate myself. To think try harder. To push when the sign says sit the fuck down and take a breath.
I need to center.
I need, more than ever, my yin.
Both on my mat and off.
Both in class and in my personal practice.
I try.
Feel bad when someone reminds me how crucial this is to healing.
But how? How do you? How do I?
