Trigger warning : suicide
January 2023
I'm fucked.
This thought appears occasionally and is, in some ways, technically spot on if you see things from one specific perspective.
I mean...
if I were to agree with the perspective of the fifties (that we can't seem to move on from already) that a woman my age should want to (and be) married well (or have a partner at the very least), have a home, wear respectable clothing in order to be respectable (which wouldn't include holes, of course), have an established and profitable social circle (because, let's face it, too often a social circle is entirely based on this) and have savings to fall back on in an emergency and for retirement both.
A future.
A planned future. A safe future.
I have none of the above.
Not anymore.
Some might call this crazy.
In fact, I don't even know where exactly I'm headed right now...
often until a few days prior to leaving a place of semi residence.
And even where I am able to move next is dictated by affordability, all inclusive utilities and internet, being furnished and whether I don't need to pay a deposit. Did someone around here say "hen's teeth"?
I'm also flying by the seat of my panties financially. Literally hand to mouth I can't afford luxuries like black pepper and will I be able to afford to eat for the rest of the month. With no back up at all.
Oh... and I have COPD (and can't afford medical care anyway) which makes the going get tough when I've over-extended myself.
Which I still do because:
- traveling and six moves since October 2022 without a car while I look around to find a permanent place
The assistance and car for the move was reneged on because I wouldn't enter into a relationship with a man. Apparently he was not my "friend" and trying to help because he respected my journey after all. My bad. I'm selfish with my time because not much of it, dead broke, frequently full of sh!t and not even that hot anymore. Who would have thought? Seriously 🙄
- full day solo parenting (and home-school) of a busy almost twelve year old for two week stretches at a time
- completely alone and still mostly ostracized because I was a "bad girl" and didn't keep my mouth shut... which apparently was crazy of me and yes I would do it again 😉
- still trying to work because I prefer to be an independent woman which some might consider crazy
At my age, becoming a trophy wife won't be an option much longer anyway aspretty correctly and honestly points out. Oops.
- still flying solo because I kinda prefer it these days (which must mean I'm a bit crazy because girls just wanna get married, right?)
- while trying to rebuild my life and business in a society that doesn't respect or even trust me (or my abilities) much (because I'm a woman) so more effort to make anything "work" Tiring now! Please stop it already.
- with a ton of debt, that I can't repay right now, because my bank never bothered to respond to repeated requests for consolidation when I saw the writing on the wall in 2019, even though I never missed one payment in thirty years Bye bye credit... prolly a good thing anyway
- with tons of creative ideas and the consequential making of such in between all of everything because art and soul food
And never enough time. Y'all get this part, of course
Some days, now, I get so tired that I think I may not be able to get back up again. This time
I should be terrified, right?
The thing is...
I've never felt more liberated, clear headed, hopeful, inspired and alive in all my life.
Some might think this is crazy.
Are you sweatin' yet?
Most people do when they see this.
When they really "see" it, that is.
When they're able to "see" it fully... which is usually only up close and for realsies. From a distance it's easy to imagine this is just another a story, I guess...
This is probably because we've been so brilliantly programmed to be terrified of financial instability or any instability that we either can't fully look it in the eye, or we kill ourselves (literally) trying to avoid it. Same thing mostly
The thing is... I've come to accept that security is an illusion anyway.
And if you build a life on an unforeseeable future which is exactly what the future is ...
you may miss living a life entirely.
My dad did this, by the way.
His suicide almost nine years ago, after he lost the millions (plus his social status and a great many "friends") that he'd worked for his entire life, was instrumental in a radical change in life direction for me.
It got me sober and into recovery.
I have absolute faith that, were he still alive today, he'd be trying to convince me of how very "crazy" I am to be doing this traveling thing regardless right now... under these circumstances...
while secretly grinning and adoring my complete and utter abandonment of my post as a responsible citizen and/or "sure I'll be your girlfriend".
In fact...
he'd be cheering me on.
And some folks might think he was crazy.
August 2022
I fired a client.
Yep. I did.
As broke and as (what might be considered but isn't if you are actually sane) desperate as I am am supposed to be...
I fired a big client in 2022. In fact, I fired two before the year was out
He was a private client for the recovery business.
And private recovery pays pretty well.
But this private recovery client had entered recovery for the wrong reasons and didn't really want to recover at all, you see.
I won't share more because privacy.
Suffice to say I'm not about to waste anybody's money, or (more importantly) put them at risk, if I see that they aren't serious about getting clean and sober.
Apparently, to many people...
it's crazy to fire a client when you're in dire financial circumstances.
I think, if you know anything about addiction and the possible consequences of being in "active" (addiction)... and what could happen if you're enabled/supported while you meander along that particular road... that my choice was what is commonly referred to as a "no-brainer".
In short...
I reckon someone's life is more important than my personal financial stability and comfort.
But call me crazy.
My point is...
Crazy is as crazy does
(if you don't bother to look any deeper...)
I once chaperoned a Schizophrenic a human being with schizophrenic reactions, while I was getting my recovery certification and was working for a sober living house, in Cape Town, back in 2019.
I'll share more about what I learned from Jerry Name changed for privacy , and about our so-called "sane" society, in The Book That May Never Be Written (a.k.a The Accidental Theory) if I can ever stomach going over some of the experience I was "gifted" with long enough to actually write the thing.
Suffice to say Jerry was more honest, more empathetic, more realistic and more "awake" than most (supposedly) "sane" humans I've met.
Jerry wasn't even remotely crazy.
Jerry could see things as clear as friggin' day, in fact.
Too clearly and too honestly for most people to handle, as it turned out.
And as everybody around him steadfastly refused to acknowledge certain undeniable truths about "life" and "reality" (as things really are and how, deep down, we all know things truly are)...
the dishonesty, selfishness and cruelty of a society we walk around in, and consider "normal", would drive him into "psychosis" at times.
So-called "psychosis" I should say, rather.
It was when Jerry could no longer reign it in, and politely ignore the socially acceptable encouraged dishonesty and the innately prejudiced constructs of our "normal" that go with it, that he would occasionally lose his sh!t...
and rant a bit.
What would he rant about, you may wonder?
Jerry would rant about the "evil" he saw around him, being perpetuated as par for the course normal-this-is-how-we roll-around-here. The "our etiquette". The "this is how we do things around here even if people get hurt y'know."
He would rant about the prejudice, otherness and selfishness. He would rant about the blatant dishonesty he could see in social situations, as well. He would rant about the lack of unity, care and unconditional love in the world in general.
All that good stuff.
All that Truth.
Yet, most people thought Jerry was crazy.
I'm f*cked
After walking through this particular fear of the unknown anything is possible future for some months...
when this thought pops into my head...
I now smile to myself a bit.
I nod as well.
"Yep. I'm pretty f*cked!" I agree cheerfully.
And, with my acknowledgement of this alternative perspective, the thought disappears almost as quickly...
and I get on with the business of living again.
Three "crazy" tunes for #ttt
With a poem... because poetry ❤️
Because I've come to accept that ranting trying to explain myself rarely serves much purpose other than to create an opportunity for some people to call me crazy. And I'm too tired, at the moment, to rant much. 😁
Also... let's face it... many utterly brilliant artists could probably share this point of view far better. And already have
Also... music. 💥
Much Madness is divinest Sense -
To a discerning Eye -
Much Sense - the starkest Madness -
’Tis the Majority
In this, as all, prevail -
Assent - and you are sane -
Demur - you’re straightway dangerous -
And handled with a Chain -
Emily Dickenson
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Or find the LOH Community here
for encouraging me to be me...
no matter how "crazy" I am. 😉❤️
Unconditional love and acceptance.
This is how we heal the world
Hardened Dreamer
Mother
Warrior
Determined Dancer
and Stargazer
still...
Beyond fear is freedom
And there is nothing to be afraid of.
To Life, with Love... and always for Truth!
Nicky Dee
All images edited using GIMP