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I was brought up in a Christian home where things like these weren't a topic for discussion. Instead, my mother would pass some messages indirectly, trying to educate us on the things we feel it's taboo to talk about.
Most of the things I figured out about myself were through books, the books she bought for me. And right now, I'm wondering if she knew the contents before buying them or if it just happened to be a coincidence that she was buying me books that could teach me what she was supposed to.
Most African parents are like this, and I don't blame them. I can't even blame it on religion, even though I really want to. Because to some extent, I realised it might not just be home training. I'm saying this because I have some mates whose parents were very open about "taboo topics", but they still messed up big time. They appear to be more ignorant than us who read it in books. Their minds are very narrow, and they normalise everything in ways that irritate us who discovered life by ourselves.
When I said we didn't discuss "taboo topics" in our home, I'm referring to when I was young, that period within my childhood and teenage years. My mum kept everything mild, and I didn't even bother to know. You only get curious about a thing you're interested in, right?
But recently, in this my early adulthood, my parents have been trying so hard to talk to us, subtly, in a way you might not even notice they're trying. But I know because I'm very sensitive and observant.
I don't know how hard it is for them, but I'm very happy they're trying their best, especially for the sake of my little sister and cousins who don't like books.
A few days ago, at my training center, during a casual discussion, one of my colleagues made a statement that she's keeping herself for the man that would marry her. And for that reason, she's refused to be in any relationship that doesn't pertain to marriage. Now, that is a really good decision, but I didn't quite understand why she's staying celibate for a man. It's normal for a Christian to practice celibacy, but the reason always revolves around religion—not sinning, as our body is the temple of Christ. But why is hers different? Why is she doing it for a man she hasn't even met yet?
I've always believed women are a lot of things; a mother, a wife, a teacher, a cook, a cleaner, a counsellor, count them. None of this is directly related to being celibate. If the only thing that makes you valuable is your body, what happens when you finally lose it on the wedding night? If that is the only gift to a man, what happens when you've given it and have nothing else to give? Marriage continues...
What then happens to goals, self-awareness, emotional, social, and spiritual maturity? What if the marriage doesn't work out and he's no longer yours? And you lose that which you treasured and realise the person wasn't worth it.
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A lady's decency is personal. It boosts confidence, self-love, and protects her from the troubles that often come with premarital relations. I've never been told it should be for a man. Personally, I believe celibacy should be a choice made for oneself, not just to please someone else. In today's world, many men value companionship, understanding, and shared goals more than anything else. So, if a woman chooses to stay celibate, it should be because it aligns with her values, not because she feels obligated to do so for someone she hasn't even met.
You will ask a lady today what her plans are after school, and she will say marriage. And what will you contribute to the union? She will say her body. Don't get me wrong, a female's body is very valuable, and it means a lot to her, especially when we consider the fact that she's going to give it all up to birth other humans.
But giving it all up is what I'm talking about here. What happens when she's given it all up? What remains? Memories?
In the twenty-first century, women rise up to create values for themselves. They seek positions in high places because they know their body is not something to be given as a contribution. It is too valuable to be given away, it was meant to be kept and treasured. So they build value that could be seen above their identity as a woman. They build another identity for themselves, and that identity is what will bring value till death.
Women now have visions. They set goals and set out to achieve them. They build themselves to be smart, intelligent, empathetic, and supportive. They become the kind of person that, without marriage, without a man, they are still confident, loved, not miserable or disrespected. They still contribute to society positively.
Like my mother would say, a good woman does not settle for less. By this, she doesn't mean in terms of finance only, but in character and values. A good woman in terms of how well she's developed herself, known herself, and impacted others. Such women are confident about who they are and what they want. Offering their body in a relationship as a contribution is not even an option because whoever is with her has to look beyond that and recognise her values.
"I am a woman
I'm unbeatable, I'm creative
I am classy, I am modern, I live by my own design."
So this morning I woke up to this song that my cousin was playing randomly from her MP3. I used Google to get the song since none of us knew the title or who sang it. The song reminded me of everything I've talked about in this post and also fueled my energy to type them.
It is a nice song that was very popular in the time I wasn't born, but I still like it because it resonates with my thoughts and beliefs. I am a feminist, not the type that compares herself to a man, but the type that shines in her feminine nature.
The artist supports the fact that there's more to being a woman, and I wish our older ones could be more open about this kind of discussion with their children. The earlier they know it, the better. There's nothing to be shameful about, there's nothing to be worried about. Our female children need to know their worth is far beyond their body.
Thank you so much for reading. I look forward to hearing your thoughts in the comments.