Growing up, I heard the phrase "you're so weird" often. It tore me apart inside, but I never let others see it.
I just kept being me. In second grade, I went to a small private school. I was only one of six girls in the class, and I was the only Latina.
All the other girls were blonde-haired and blue-eyed. That was my 3rd school in 3 years, and it was the same at the others as well.
As the only dark-haired, dark-eyed Latina, it's no wonder I spent years distrustful of blondes. Even now, as a queer woman, I'm completely turned off by them.
I remember the girls teasing me for looking "weird" because I was different. They started to bully me for it too, but I didn't care then. I was content to go off during recess and play on my own. I'm an only child so playing alone was never an issue for me. They were shocked. They thought I'd cry because I had to play by myself.
I'd play hopscotch, Jacks, or read a book, and this seemed to infuriate them. They would call me worse names and exclude me from sleepovers, but it had no power over me. I just got "weirder," lol.
After my parents divorced, we moved around a lot and I attended other schools. I was used to being the "weird new girl," so I had no problems eating lunch by myself.
I was bullied over and over.
It started fresh at every new school. I was bullied for looking different, being chubby, raising my hand in class, and even for not caring about their cruelty. I internalized it all, never telling my parents any of it. To this day, they don't know the extent of what happened to me and the things the girls (and boys) said to me to try to crush out my weirdness.
Finally, in my second 3rd-grade class (I missed so much the year before that I was held back), my mother found a place she liked in a nice neighborhood and worked 3 jobs to put me in a Catholic school. She told me we were going to stay put because she'd skipped a grade at my age and she wasn't going to allow me to fail another year because she wasn't happy with where we were living.
So, St. Andrew, it was. And I loved it there. I even made friends. With other "weird girls" just like me.
It was a group of 4 of us. Me, Maggie, Lisa, and Norma. I loved those girls. (Norma became a porn star, Maggie and I lost touch, but I'm still close friends with Lisa - 
As I got older and went into middle school, I got 'weirder'.
I liked heavy metal, punk, and alternative music while everyone else around me was dancing to the New Kids On The Block (Ok I liked them too but only in secret, lol). I spent most of my time listening to music I could find in the record store that wasn't being played on the radio. But that just helped me keep my 'weird' label.
Eventually, I left Catholic school and went to a public high school. It was my first time in public school. It was way different than private school. People can openly bully you in public schools because not many teachers care. And I got it bad. High school was the worst for me.
Yet, I refused to hide my weirdness from anyone. In fact, I was about to make it even more known.
In the mid-90s, I hit tenth grade. It was then I decided that I was queer and got into a relationship with a girl, and omg it made me crazy-weird to everyone in my small town.
The weirder I was the more the people in my life tried to squash it.
I know they meant well. They were trying to save me from being labeled 'weird,' or 'gay,' or getting bullied. But they thought that the problem was with me. They thought that if I just 'toned it down' then people wouldn't bother me and my life would be better.
My mother made me stop visiting her at work when I got my nose pierced (again, this was the '90s, and piercings were rare). I was so mad at her, she worked at the hospital and the cafeteria there was the bomb! I used to skip school lunches and go eat at the hospital, charging meals to mom's account instead.
But my shaved head and piercing was too much for mom so she kept trying to get me to "dress normal", wear less jewelry, and be more like the other girls. But I refused.
And my weirdness increased over the years. Drugs, BDSM, art, polyamory, queer, kink-entrepreneur, etc.
For years I refused to play by the rules and act or dress "normal." But somewhere along the way, they got me. I don't know when it was. Maybe becoming a mother at 19 made it happen, the pressure being too much for me, so I subtly gave in?
Either way, I started to care what others thought. I started to suppress my beautiful weirdness. I hid it from others, and especially myself. I pretended I didn't care.
By the time I met 
When I met Jay and started showing bits of my weirdness to him, I was afraid he wouldn't like me.
I thought I had to hide it from him. But he insisted he wasn't interested in me, so I felt like I had nothing to lose. I let the weirdo in me out. I thought, "well he doesn't even like me, so eff it, I'll just be myself."
And the coolest thing happened. The more myself I was and the more weirdness I shared, the more he liked me, loved me even. He encouraged me to be as weird as I wanted. And he encouraged me to share it. I thought people would hate me for it, but Jay taught me to not only share my weirdness but to turn it up.
The weird things about you that you think people will hate, will be the reasons why people actually love you.
- Jim Carrey does funny, weird impressions (have you seen him back in the day on In Living Color? LOL!) and got famous for it.
- Lady Gaga wore a meat dress to the MTV music awards, and her fame skyrocketed after it.
- Salvador Dali is known for being crazy, but his art is super famous and so is he.
The list of famous people who are weird is too long to list here. They are famous because they expressed their weirdness.
So I decided just to let go of that crap everyone tried to tell me about caring what others thought and how important outward appearance is to others.
I decided to do it online. Just be me. And when I shared who I am deep down inside on Instagram, my page grew, I got attention, made sales, got die-hard fans, and people who LOVED to share with me how much they love what I wrote. They loved my weirdness and encouraged me to share more.
Turning up my weirdness and sharing it made me FEEL so good.
The more people accepted me, the more I wanted to share. And the more I shared, the more people connected with me, which inspired them share their weird as well.
And you can do it too.
Just use as many weird things about yourself as you can and TURN THEM UP. Let go of worry about or care about haters, and TURN UP. Let everyone see who you truly are. I promise you they will love it.
And a handful of haters will come along with it. That's just life. Those that will hate you for being yourself and 'turning up the weird' are just jealous. They want to do the same, but let fear keep them pretending they're "normal."
What's the weirdest thing about you? I'd love to know. And we don't judge here. We LOVE everything and everyone who are "weird."
~love, Cyn
