A giant crow was spotted in the Richmond neighborhood in southeast Portland early this afternoon.
The local residents, who love their crows, said they'd never seen anything like it.
"I couldn't believe the size of his shits!" marveled four-year-old Django.
"We don't use that word, sweetie," added his mother.
Initially the crow appeared harmless, mostly curious. It wasn't until some crazy self-proclaimed crow-whispering freak arrived on the scene with a three pound bag of peanuts which witnesses say she used to coax the creature to land on her head.
She was crushed to death instantly, along with the peanuts.
Per reports, the giant crow, not being one to waste a perfectly good meal, proceeded to tear into the crazy crow lady's abdomen and rip out her fresh hot quivering liver, swallowing it whole, along with the peanuts.
Residents screamed and fled. The crow, agitated by all the commotion, reportedly let out a series of deep caws that set off car alarms and shattered the single-pane windows of historic homes. Residents say the crow picked up the remains of the crow lady's body and cached it under a large hedge, presumably to eat later.
The giant crow was also reported to have attempted to perch on a nearby power line, which snapped when it could not hold the tyrannosaurus-sized animal's weight. Startled, the bird flew off. By the time police arrived on the scene, nothing was left but a corpse and a sparking wire.
The neighborhood was without power for two hours until the damage was repaired.
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A percentage of this post's rewards goes back to support the community, and all the stuff (pictures, words, etc.) I put in this post and any of my other posts is mine (unless otherwise stated) and can't be used by anyone else unless my ghost says it's ok.
P.S. Bo would never eat my guts unless I was already dead, which I'm not, because he's too tiny to crush me.