Sometimes life has a way of pulling us down. It can quickly and easily overwhelm and crush the spirit. For a long time, I've been a firm believer that we should never, ever, give up, and for just as long a time, I've struggled to understand why people would quit. But now I get it.
Have you heard the saying, 'I used to be a great parent. But then I had kids.'? I use it often, because I think it sums up the human condition of judgement really well.
'I used to be a great parent. But then I had kids.'
That was me once. I'd be that guy, looking at parents and thinking of how I'd do it differently. Of how I could handle the situation way better than they were. I thought I had all the answers. I remember, talking a walk with my wife once. We were strolling along a path near our house and we spotted a man and his son playing cricket. The man bowled the ball and hit his son with it, accidentally. The kid got quite upset, and his Dad said, 'Well, you should've got out of the way.' A conversation ensued between my wife and I about how we would've acted if we'd been in that situation with the kids we didn't even have yet, and I look back on that day and think of how naive we were.
It was easy to judge from a distance, but in reality, we had no idea of what it was like to be a parent.
Then we had kids, and my perspective started to shift. Suddenly, I wasn't God's gift to parents. Suddenly, I didn't have all the answers. Suddenly, I started to get it. Judgement is easy to cast. It happens quickly and without care. But until you step into the ring and see what it's actually like to walk in the shoes of the people you're judging, you simply don't know what it's like being in their position.
Just as I didn't know what it was like being a parent for a long time, I also didn't know what it was like to be worn out. To think that giving up was the only option. I had no idea. Once again, how can you understand - truely have empathy until you've walked the walk?
Since my son was diagnosed with Duchenne muscular dystrophy, an incurable muscle wasting condition, and he's been on steroids long-term, his behaviour has become increasingly difficult to manage. His ASD has also surfaced quickly and this, too, has made behaviour management difficult.
Over the last two years, I've experienced lows that I've never previously known possible. I've been pushed to my limits by behaviour from one I love so much, who doesn't understand that how they're behaving is not acceptable. I've grown weary over managing countless specialist appointments. My patience has been stretched and then, when I thought I was at breaking point, it's been stretched just a little further. So now I get it.
Much like after becoming a parent, since the diagnosis, I've experienced a rapid explosion of empathy as to how people can struggle with life, and any ounce of judgement that my have once resided within me has since passed. I really truely get it. Life is difficult, and at times, it sucks. You'll find no condemnation from me if you hate living some days. Like I said... I get it.
But I also get that life is great. It can be fantastic, and while I spend some days wishing for the earth to open up and swallow me, those times are rare, thankfully. However, I know that for some, those times aren't rare. And while I'm not looking down my nose at you, I am trying to offer you some encouragement. From one who is now walking on a razor's edge to another. Never, ever, give up. Whatever you have to do, find an excuse to win.
I've learned that there's nothing wrong with admitting you're tired and that you need to rest. Hell, I've admitted it more times in the past two years than I have for the rest of them combined. I'm glad I've been given the opportunity to learn empathy. My only wish is that I was provided the chance sooner. It's nice not thinking I have all the answers. I much prefer knowing that I don't actually have any answers at all.
Bibliography Header image by DM David on Unsplash.