When I was growing up my Father was not around as much as one might expect. He was a party animal. He loved the fast life on his motorcycle and the peacefulness of being on the water fishing from his boat.
I believe he loved me as much as he knew how, but it was a love that left me wanting for more...more quality time, more support, more acceptance, more understanding, more care and more kindness.
And what I could not get from my Mother I had to give to myself or simply go without.
And because I was never taught to give those things to myself - quite the opposite in fact - give to others - follow the rules - be a good girl...because I didn't know how to love myself I simply went without.
And there was a void.
I became fiercely independent. My Grandmother described me as precocious. My Father once praised my achievements in school and set a fire ablaze within me to be an over-achiever to win his loving affirmations. SO MUCH STRIVING!
This strong desire for approval turned into a relationship pattern where I put the needs of my significant other ahead of my own, beginning with a controlling, emotionally unstable and abusive husband.
I stayed in those relationships way too long, until I was emotionally drained and so fed up with trying to make it work and failing that I jumped ship...often moving from one relationship to the next very quickly...a serial monogamist and a classic codependent.
In the end, it was the over-achiever in me that shed light on what was going on - there was one thing I couldn't accomplish despite my success in so many other areas.
And I needed to start paying attention to my own feelings and needs to accomplish it.
That's where my journey with self-love began.
I'm sorry I didn't start it sooner.
I'm sorry for my Father who never got to start that journey.
I'm sorry for the little April that experienced the harshness of his belt...and the coldness of his absence.
I'm sorry for all of those, like me, who have been told they are loved unconditionally by people who actually don't understand what that means and don't know how to give me.
I'm sorry for all of us who have yet to experience it.
I'm sorry for my own son who experienced much the same as I did as a child. I'm sorry for replaying the ancestral pattern.
Please forgive me.
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To read about the dating anxiety that led to this insight, check out my last post: @aprils/dating-anxiety-and-the-courage-to-be-authentic
In my next post I will tell you about what I found to appreciate about this and where I am now in my journey. Follow me here: @aprils