It was the second date and the initial excitement of the first date had been replaced by some discomfort as I became aware of a split within me. One part of me was quieting down as we began my favorite hike in the world, Courthouse Butte to Bell Rock in Sedona, Arizona... a place that feels like home though I have never lived there. That part of me liked to take in the truly awesome beauty and connect with nature.
Another part of me began spurting warning thoughts about how one ought to be talkative on a second date.
The anxious thoughts tried going against my authentic way of being in that place, and it wasn't going well. The quiet was winning.
Then he said something about me being quiet.
Uh oh.
My ego mind kicked into high gear -> must come up with stuff to talk about!
The next 3.5 hours was a mix of uncomfortable silence (for me), lots of questions that I posed to him, and a little conversation that he put into the mix.
Then we finally reached Bell Rock.
Photo by Carrick Webb on Unsplash
We sat for a bit, and got into a good cadence talking with each other as we returned back to the trailhead's parking lot. Though I did notice my ego wanting to interject and show similarities between us.
I was observing my mind doing all of this and yet somehow I let it all play out. It wasn't until the following morning when I journaled about it that I started getting insights.
Even though I had previously decided that it didn't matter if he liked me or not, and that I was just going to be my authentic self, the ego still took control that day and played out an old pattern based on wanting to be liked.
I had to forgive myself for not taking a moment at the beginning of that hike to get clarity about what my emotional guidance system/the anxiety was telling me; and I had to forgive myself for not being true to myself...
Later I apologized to him for not listening with the intensity that I really wanted to. My ego was just too eager to jump in with "me too!"
I thought I had the ego mind under control, but this showed me another layer that I haven't tackled before as I've been "off the market" for about 7 years.
I realized there's a part of me that's been searching since I was a child for sacred love from the divine masculine.
The ego mind was just trying to help.
All in good time. All in good time.
How do you deal with dating anxiety?
In my next post, I go deeper into the insights that came from my journaling about this situation. You can check that out here: @aprils/collection-my-independence-is-derived-from-my-fathers-absence
I'll be posting to this collection soon. Please follow me here: @aprils