January 1925 - November 2023
Grandma is no longer living with me. 😪 She passed away peacefully (mostly) in our home Thanksgiving afternoon. Just a mere 51 days from her 99th birthday.
It went so fast. You may remember from my last post, that grandma only ended up at my house because her heat had been out. She had been living independently, healthily.
It’s almost like she got here and knew I had her back. She didn’t need to be independent or strong anymore. She was home with me, my dogs, my husband. We would hold her hand to help her to bed. We would make sure she had all of her meals. I was here to take her to the bank, and the doctor. I helped her close her safety deposit box. We ordered checks and paid her condo association fees. All in the days before she passed.
The decline happened fast. One day I was thinking she would go home. The next I wondered if she needed to move into assisted living. Then it looked like skilled nursing would be the only choice. And then… she was gone.
We had a chance to talk about things before she was gone. Grandma was just a little slip of a human, only 4’11”. She wasn’t feeling well about a week into her time with me. After a visit to the doctor I discovered she had lost A LOT of weight. I said to her, “grandma I am very worried about how little you are eating and drinking. I feel like your little body is starting to turn off.”
Her response, “we all turn off eventually.”
Grandma told me how she wanted to be cremated, and scattered on Lake Washington in the same spot they scattered my grandpa.
On November 20th I had a long phone call with grandma’s doctor. I had a list of 18 items. We talked about things that could be helped. We talked about the signs of a person coming to their end. We talked about getting grandma a handicap parking pass so I could park her closer to the doctor’s office, bank and grocery store. She offered to refer grandma to hospice if I thought it was time.
On November 21st, a home health nurse and social worker came over. The appointment was scheduled for 11am, but grandma almost overslept. The nurse checked grandma out. And said to her, “If you want to live to 120, we can order tests and treat these different things happening to you. But it is Ok if you don’t want to. Living to almost 99 is a huge accomplishment. You have done so well.”
Grandma decided she just wanted to be comfortable. On her behalf I signed a “DNR” (do not resuscitate). This document would let everyone know, grandma did not want CPR, feeding tubes or IV fluids. I also signed the paperwork for hospice care.
Grandma slept the rest of the day. In the evening I managed to get her out of bed just long enough to change from her robe to her nightgown. She patted my head as she laid in the lower bunk of the bunk beds in our guest room/home office. I was kneeling on the floor giving her a hug goodnight.
On Wednesday, November 22 Grandma spent the day in bed again. I sat with her, and my dachshunds got on bed to lay with her. I held her hand as she used her other to pet the dogs.
Later in the day the hospice nurse arrived. The nurse did an exam. Grandma was breathing so heavily. The nurse ordered oxygen and some drugs to help relax grandma’s breathing. Dad came by to visit while the nurse was here. (My mom is bedridden so could not come to see her mom). Grandma spoke for the first time that day in response to the nurse and my dad.
She smiled as she showed dad a note I had taped above grandma’s head on the underside of the top bunk. The note told her I loved her. That my mom loved her. That dad loved her. That my husband and doggies loved her too. Earlier in the day I had sent my husband to bring some framed photos back to our place from grandma’s. She smiled looking at those too.
After the hospice nurse left we thought grandma was going to sleep through the night. Unfortunately she did not, and a terrifying incident happened. I will not describe it here, but both my husband and I thought grandma was on the verge of passing in a really terrible way. It was traumatic and ended with us both in tears carrying grandma back to her bed. Miraculously 10 or 15 minutes after said incident (and after my frantic call asking hospice to come back), grandma opened her eyes. She smiled so big. She held both of our hands and said, “Good morning!”.
These were her last words to me.
I stayed up most of the night administering liquid meds to grandma. A fresh dose every hour. At 2:30am I went to bed for a bit. Woke up again around 6am.
That morning (Thanksgiving morning) grandma did not open her eyes or squeeze my hand. I sat with her anyway. I wished her a happy thanksgiving. I told her how much I love her. How much mom loves her. How mom wished she could be there . I told her it was OK to be done. How exciting it would be for her to see grandpa soon. To see her brother. To see her friends. I told her we would be OK.
I started to prepare Thanksgiving lunch. The smell of roasting turkey filled their house. A man arrived mid morning to set up a hospital bed in our guest room. Grandma did not stir during the activity.
Around 1:30pm the hospice nurse arrived. She checked grandma’s vital signs (all quite weak). She talked to me about the meds and what doses I had been giving. We moved grandma from the bunk bed to the hospital bed. I moved the blankets over and we got grandma into what appeared a cozy position. The nurse had some items to throw away, so I walked her to my kitchen garbage bin. The timer went off indicating the turkey was done. We were in the kitchen maybe 2 minutes.
When we got back to the bedroom grandma was gone… 😪
The 3.5 weeks leading up to grandma’s passing were a lot of things. Stressful, overwhelming, intimate, beautiful… I didn’t think I had the strength to see it though to the end. I am so happy I did. I am so happy she was “home” surrounded by people who loved her. I am so happy she didn’t have to go to the hospital. I am so thankful for the time we had together in her final weeks. I am so happy I could give her a good ending. Dying at “home”, after living nearly 99 incredibly healthy and independent years, with the smell of thanksgiving dinner filling the house seems like a best case scenario. I would do it all over again to give her that.
Obituary
Mrs. D.M.S. , aged 98, passed away peacefully in her granddaughter’s home on November 23, 2023 (Thanksgiving).
D. was born in Monroe, Washington and lived in the Seattle area all her life. She met her late husband, H.S. while they both attended Franklin High School. During WWII, D. worked as a telephone operator while her husband served in Italy. After the war, D. gave birth to their only child raising her in north Seattle. She later worked as a bookkeeper for the family’s business, S. Automotive.
D. led a long, healthy and remarkably independent life having only come to reside with her granddaughter in the three weeks prior to her passing. Over her lifetime she enjoyed playing bridge, watching golf, fine dining, the companionship of the family’s poodle Pepper, yachting, vacations throughout the western US (including Hawaii and Alaska), snowmobiling adventures with her husband, socializing with dear friends, and her daily breakfasts at Shari’s restaurant (pre covid pandemic). She also volunteered for many years as a member of the Broadview Guild for Seattle Children’s (Children’s Orthopedic) Hospital.
D. was preceded in death by her beloved husband, H.S., her mother M.P., her father E.K. , her stepfather H.W., and her brother B.W.
Left to cherish her memory are her daughter and son-in-law P.F. and E.F, granddaughter and her husband dfinney and P.L., and the last of her surviving life long friends Mr. G.P.
A ceremony will be held privately to scatter D.’s ashes in Lake Washington at a later date. In lieu of floral offerings, the family kindly requests contributions in D’s memory to be directed to Seattle Children's Hospital.
Special thanks to the nurses and social workers from Kaiser Permanente’s hospice team who supported D. and her granddaughter through the final days. Thanks also to the compassionate professionals at B Funeral Home who are entrusted with the arrangements for D’s final journey.
Wife, mother, grandmother, and friend D. will forever be remembered and loved.