The world is a strange place, I must say.
How do I define life in a way that makes it less complex? I guess trying to define something that isn't definite is what makes it complex, so I would rather explain it.
We all are born as a blank slate but yet as fragile as we might seem at the moment of our birth, our parents will look at us, having a purpose for us in mind. In a world filled with uncertainties but yet they dared to assume things we go as they plan, isn't that strange? Just like every other human on earth, we grow older in a chaotic world and start forging our own paths, just like everyone else.
It doesn't really matter what our parents might want for us, life has a way of making us do things outside the thinking of everyone. Growing is a constant thing for every human that isn't dead yet but life has never been about growth. I know what you might be thinking, I find it quite outrageous too but I found out that we mostly mistake growth for progress. Moreover growth have lot of categories, which means you might be experiencing growth physically as every ordinary human being but you might not be progressing. Financially, academically, mentally, spiritually e.t.c there are lot of sides to it, you see?
This is where the crazy race begins, the race to become somebody. I once told a friend in an unusual conversation that, our self identify, self worth and reputation is acquired from others acknowledgement. This is what makes it tragic. We all began to run through hurdles and challenges, trying to become somebody not just because we want to be somebody but because we have something to prove to somebody, to people who care so little about our existence. Regardless we keep running and in the process some might get stuck or run off the track and still not get to their destination.
The concept of predetermination is very presumptuous. I'm a man of faith and I'm a strong believer in the Lord's plan for everyone's life, so when I say predetermination is presumptuous, I'm not referring to the Lord's plan but the one that was forged for us or by us on earth. As it ever occurred to you that life is all about the unknown, you can try as much as possible to acquire as much knowledge as possible but there will always be unknown, something that remains to be unknown.
Which means while running after something like a train, there are so many tracks we could stumble upon in the process and it is possible we might find ourselves in places outside what ever had been predetermined by anyone. Doesn't that make you question, what exactly do we spend more than half of our lives chasing after, a dream that could turn out to be anything? A plan that might not go as planned? Frankly it seems we are all chasing after the unknown, just to peep at what might be. The more we grab it, the more we step into the unknown, the more the unknown we are exposed to, the more lost we become.
What is that thing giving me anxiety at the moment? I know you have imagined it already, yeah, it is exactly what you are thinking. But what you don't know is, why it is causing me serious anxiety. so let me tell you a little about myself to satisfy your curiosity.
The one thing that amazes me about myself is the way I think. I mean if there is one trait that seems to be the foundation of every other trait I posses is my ability to think. The reason behind this is very simple, the more careful I evaluate my options through thinking, the more I know and the more I know, the more secure I feel. Which means anything outside what I know makes me feel uncomfortable or should I say the unknown makes me feel unsecure. I mean it is something common among most human, for us to be very curious about the unknown but for me, it is a little bit intense.
For me, I want to stick with what is known and simultaneously I'm extremely curious of the unknown. I plan my life like it is all that matters, well I have a brain that doesn't want to be idle for a sec. I spend every minute of me not being mentally occupied, thinking about my life, most especially my plans. I have theoretically created a road map of my life in my head and with my ability to create an illusive visual of my plans in my head, I walk through it everytime as easy as snapping my fingers.
But whenever I look backwards I realise for every step I take towards by plans thinking I know what is next for me on the road map, hundreds of other paths opens up and each path leads to hundreds more. Whan ever I try to push forward trying to turn a blind eye to the other paths despite knowing that my mind is dying to know more about the other paths, while still pushing forward, my mind becomes overwhelmed by "what if" I just peeped and see what is there, would things turn out differently?
Knowing there are hundreds of path opening up at every step I take, leading to hundreds of more paths and me feeling curious about those other paths at every step, which is filling my mind with hundreds of "what if". Some I can't even remember but the feeling still lingers, imagine how it feels to be plagued by a mind that is unintentionally fixating on what could have been. So at the moment, anytime I try to take any step forward, I hesitate for awhile because I'm worried of a step I should I have taken, which might be or not be the right step and might or might not have effect on those around me in ways I can or can't imagine. Isn't this enough to mess with anyone's mental health?
How do I tackle the problem? Well, it seems tackling the problem is the source of my problem, isn't that funny? The reason behind my rigorous thinking and indecisiveness at the moment is because I want to avoid making mistakes which can occur by just carelessly and ignorantly diving towards the unknown. The best solution that has helped over the years is music which assist me in simplifying my thoughts and focusing on a single purpose at a moment, instead of trying to do everything at the same time. Which assist me in moving forward But it isn't helping with the feeling of "what if" that is left behind every choice I make, which is a source of anxiety. For this, all I can do is pray, hope for the best and believe the Lord's Will shall manifest.
This write-up was inspired by weekly featured content titled Anxiety in hive learners community.
Cover image - 𝖣𝖾𝗌𝗂𝗀𝗇𝖾𝖽 𝗎𝗌𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖼𝖺𝗇𝗏𝖺
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