BREAKING DOWN THE FEELINGS OF A PANIC ATTACK INTO MUSICAL-NOTES & SOUNDS
Backstory - I have severe anxiety, severe depression... And then some, which led me to develop a Panic Disorder, which is supposed to be incurable.
Got diagnosed 4 years ago as I remember but, I had it way before that, didn't know until my first actual panic attack hit me (4 years ago)
Well, they said it is incurable, and I've been reading about this stuff for years now - still no clue yet, but I think I'll live for a while to figure out if I can find a cure?
Long story short - as I consider this thing "Panic-Attack" as my worst enemy now and I do know some people for sure will relate but, what I'm having is kinda worse in a way...
As a "survivor", I've sat down with other fellow survivors before
I find it funny that this should help, eh? It didn't - they didn't relate to what I'm experiencing, It's like I'm having a Guru Panic Attack or whatever...
So yea, sitting down and talking with other survivors didn't help, it worsened my condition... Felt helpless, they can fight it but I can never do, they get help and it works for them - why doesn't it work for me? Yep, no clue.
Still feeling helpless, the only thing keeping me alive, and by alive I mean doing stuff, working, creating ...etc, is my addiction - I've tried everything possible, and that's the one thing that seems to work: sedatives, drugs, I take a lot of doses a day
A dose a day keeps the demons away, or close, not really sure but, my addiction is not the thing today OK? So they say opening up and talking about your worries and problems helps, eh?
Not always, and actually it never helped me...
No, words can't describe, even seeing me facing a panic attack won't even give you an idea, it's like an exorcism going on, not even that (see? words just can't...)
So here's a brief description of the "Experiment" I'm trying here - creating music = taking my sedatives ...Both are like GOD, works in a mysterious way...
My music; I've always tried to inject it with what I'm dealing with, it went unnoticed and that's OK, I don't expect shit from nobody (except today)
Cause I'm trying again - to describe what I'm having, even a bit of it would make me feel a bit better, I need that... And so I made this piece, worked on it for more than 2 weeks now I think
I'd not say it's a phenomenal thing and when you listen to it, you won't feel like it's something new to your ears or some shit...
But it has something in it, well, at least for me, a Hidden-Gem I'd say
So, music in general never failed to give me certain feels, took me to other worlds, etcetera, etcetera...
That's exactly what I tried my best to put down here - I was gonna call it "Wear My Shoes For 2 Minutes, Mate" but, Nah, when I listened to the final result, it did feel a bit like my panic attacks, but not quite close, so Nope - "Even More Anxious" is what I'm going for... When you listen to it, I think you should be getting an idea of how it feels to live in my shoes
Now, may I say please and beg you to pay some attention when you listen? - that if you care, and I'll be glad, and being a nice human is not too much to ask for, so be nice...
Let me know if you felt anything, and how was it? I bet it was shit... I'll feel good if you felt like shit or felt the music itself is shit cause, that's the whole Goddamn point...
. Headphones Required For Better Quality... Ok?
